Ask OB: Leaving the Fold

Eliezer Yudkowsky

I thought this comment from "Jo" deserved a bump to the front page:

"So here I am having been raised in the Christian faith and trying not to freak out over the past few weeks because I've finally begun to wonder whether I believe things just because I was raised with them. Our family is surrounded by genuinely wonderful people who have poured their talents into us since we were teenagers, and our social structure and business rests on the tenets of what we believe. I've been trying to work out how I can 'clear the decks' and then rebuild with whatever is worth keeping, yet it's so foundational that it will affect my marriage (to a pretty special man) and my daughters who, of course, have also been raised to walk the Christian path.

Is there anyone who's been in this position - really, really invested in a faith and then walked away?"

Handling this kind of situation has to count as part of the art. But I haven't gone through anything like this. Can anyone with experience advise Jo on what to expect, what to do, and what not to do?

Followup to: Crisis of Faith

I thought this comment from "Jo" deserved a bump to the front page:

"So here I am having been raised in the Christian faith and trying not to freak out over the past few weeks because I've finally begun to wonder whether I believe things just because I was raised with them. Our family is surrounded by genuinely wonderful people who have poured their talents into us since we were teenagers, and our social structure and business rests on the tenets of what we believe. I've been trying to work out how I can 'clear the decks' and then rebuild with whatever is worth keeping, yet it's so foundational that it will affect my marriage (to a pretty special man) and my daughters who, of course, have also been raised to walk the Christian path.

Is there anyone who's been in this position - really, really invested in a faith and then walked away?"

Handling this kind of situation has to count as part of the art. But I haven't gone through anything like this. Can anyone with experience advise Jo on what to expect, what to do, and what not to do?

I went through something sort of similar, but from the Muslim faith.

I basically decided to pick my battles. People whom I knew could possibly open their minds and stop them believing in their faith, I tried to talk to them about it, and succeeded in convincing a few.

Those whom I thought might not get convinced, but would be understanding, I told them the truth, and they never bothered me much.

But for those who didn't look likely to get convinced, or likely to be understanding, I have simply avoided talking to them about the subject, and when they ask, I pretend to be religious.

I know it's lying. I know it's terrible. I really hate doing it. But the reality is that the other options involve me really aggravating people I love deeply, and possibly being disowned by them. There is no possible gain from being honest about this; but there is enormous damage from it.

I am lucky that for me none of this in any way involved any career or livelihood issues. And I'm lucky that my family and friends are not as religious and as dogmatic about it as Jo's and those of other commenters.

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Ask OB: Leaving the Fold

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Ask OB: Leaving the Fold

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