Ask OB: Leaving the Fold

Eliezer Yudkowsky

I thought this comment from "Jo" deserved a bump to the front page:

"So here I am having been raised in the Christian faith and trying not to freak out over the past few weeks because I've finally begun to wonder whether I believe things just because I was raised with them. Our family is surrounded by genuinely wonderful people who have poured their talents into us since we were teenagers, and our social structure and business rests on the tenets of what we believe. I've been trying to work out how I can 'clear the decks' and then rebuild with whatever is worth keeping, yet it's so foundational that it will affect my marriage (to a pretty special man) and my daughters who, of course, have also been raised to walk the Christian path.

Is there anyone who's been in this position - really, really invested in a faith and then walked away?"

Handling this kind of situation has to count as part of the art. But I haven't gone through anything like this. Can anyone with experience advise Jo on what to expect, what to do, and what not to do?

Followup to: Crisis of Faith

I thought this comment from "Jo" deserved a bump to the front page:

"So here I am having been raised in the Christian faith and trying not to freak out over the past few weeks because I've finally begun to wonder whether I believe things just because I was raised with them. Our family is surrounded by genuinely wonderful people who have poured their talents into us since we were teenagers, and our social structure and business rests on the tenets of what we believe. I've been trying to work out how I can 'clear the decks' and then rebuild with whatever is worth keeping, yet it's so foundational that it will affect my marriage (to a pretty special man) and my daughters who, of course, have also been raised to walk the Christian path.

Is there anyone who's been in this position - really, really invested in a faith and then walked away?"

Handling this kind of situation has to count as part of the art. But I haven't gone through anything like this. Can anyone with experience advise Jo on what to expect, what to do, and what not to do?

Jo, yes.

I was raised in a devout Catholic-Lutheran household, as a Catholic. Into my teen years, I seriously considered entering seminary, and at one point toyed with revivalist fundamentalism. I very seriously believed in the salvation of Christ and the damnation of non-believers, then I had a crisis of faith when I realized my beliefs and experiences were in contradiction with those of the Church and contained in the Bible.

It took a decade for me to fully shed the ideas and perceptions and behaviors that came with my former faith, well after I had shed it in word, and it caused no small amount of conflict with parents, siblings, and friends. I even lost friends and had to endure years of well-meaning but aggravating attempts to bring me back to the fold.

The only advice I can really offer is to accept that this will happen and to understand the concerns and reactions of people who are still invested in those beliefs and in their perceptions of "who you are" being a fellow believer. Talk with them and reassure them. If you are concerned about your marriage, try to find a way your husband and you can connect together through some other shared activity, to let him know you are still you.

As for you, it is likely going to be a long, dark road full of questions and uncertainty until you're comfortable with yourself again. Try not to take out your frustrations on those around you by judging them harshly.

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Ask OB: Leaving the Fold

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Ask OB: Leaving the Fold

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