Probabilistic thinking was invented by history's most mathematically inclined degenerates, trying to make sense of their wins and losses. Gerolamo Cardano wrote treatises on dice, informed by a lifetime and several fortunes spent on these games. But glimpsing the truth drove him mad, believing that the Fates were out to kill him. It was the theologians that were able to take the work further, resting on a sturdier metaphysical foundation. Blaise Pascal drove this probabilistic calculus into the transcendent, likening his faith to optimal strategy in a cosmic wager. And Thomas Bayes, the Presbyterian minister of the eponymous theorem, poured his intellect into the study of miracles. Was this not the path to higher truth? To quantify uncertainty, to box it up in logical syllogism?