So I was there being my rationalist-with-akrasia-issues, nerdy, awkward self who studies acting, singing, rhetorics, PUA, TV Tropes, Machiavelli, The Art of War, the 48 Laws of Power, the Art of Seduction, the Seven Habits... in the hopes of escaping his chronic fear of his neighbor (with some success, shall I add, but it comes slowly). And then I sumble upon this nice little harmless meme:
I was absolutely stunned. This behavior. I thought it was strange and unique. It's incredibly common. This gave me great hope. If it is common, it means it isn't due to noise: there's a pattern there, there's something to unravel. The misjudgements of power, of what it's right to do, of when to fear and when to be bold, when to speak and when to be silent... What *is* the right thing to do when you're with a coworker on an elevator? What do you say when someone remembers you, but you don't remember them, and they have noticed that? What do you do when you're hit by a paper ball in class? What do you do when the only people you seem to be able to make friends with are older, younger, or of the opposite gender, and you're utterly intimidated by people of your same age and gender, the friendship of whom you know would profit you most? Why do you automatically recalculate trajectories to avoid acquaintances in the hall, at the super, on the bus? Why is it that when a person of the opposite gender so much as pays attention to you, you think you have a crush on them?
There are clues to some of these questions in the books and works I linked back there. But, more often than not, we expect those problems to solve themselves, with one magical word, "confidence".
I am confused at that notion. I find it unsatisfactory. I want to understand social awkwardness. The rules thereof. And how to vanquish it. And I want the keys in a way that can be taught. So that, when I have kids, they don't have to go through the same stupid struggles and can actually feel good about themselves and focus on getting stuff done.
So, I hereby summon the powers of the Lesswrong community: let us pick apart this problem as we know so well, and let us unbury the roots of this evil that is social awkwardness, so that we nerds and geeks may defeat it at last, and live free of its funk.
I used to be horribly shy and awkward. I didn't have a girlfriend in high-school, ever; I was (and am) clumsy as hell; I didn't (don't) get people. I had basically every common social nerd-failing. However, my problems with social awkwardness have been solved for some time now.
My secret? Not caring.
Well, that's the result, but I guess there are a couple reasons as to why I stopped caring. Easier said than done, I know, but hopefully the following monologue will spur similar realizations in others. (And if it's too long, control-F "robot".)
For one, I began to step back and look at these problems in a larger context: they don't really matter. I make a joke and no one laughs? No one will even remember this occurred five minutes from now, let alone a day or week or year. Even if they did, why would it matter - am I hurt by it? Unless the person who I'm trying to get a chuckle out of is my boss, who refuses raises to unfunny employees, then no - not at all, in any way.
For two, I realized other people don't really care either. They are rarely paying so much attention to you as you think, and rarely so judgmental as you fear. More interestingly, they often take their lead over what to feel awkward over from others. I learned this best by the example of a friend of mind, who appears to have been born without a sense of shame or awkwardness. He'd get caught doing something like passing gas and blaming it on the dog, and then just shrug and laugh about it... and magically, since he didn't act like it was something to be embarrassed about, no one else would think so either. (And if they did, as he'd say, that's their problem.)
For three, I am self-contained: my goals include making money, doing research, and reading good books. They don't include impressing random people in the grocery store or whatever. I know my worth - if someone presumes to judge me for [awkwardness x], the more fool them. Besides: strangers I won't meet again, and friends won't hold it against me. There are, of course, people who don't quite fit in either of these categories, like business associates; but as long as you're clean, polite, and do your job (the reason you're there, don't forget), then it won't matter what your personal failings are.
Finally, while the above has helped me, I suspect much of it is post-hoc justification for my attitude, which was mostly changed by a single mental trick. My big secret was: pretending to be a robot. Or Spock. Or a tech-priest from WH40K (praise the Omnissiah!). Or any one of a number of similar characters. What they have in common is that they have their goals, and nothing else matters. Human quirks of emotion are irrelevant. Would a robot care if it looked foolish? Not if it didn't interfere with its agenda. Would Spock be embarrassed by a mistake? No, he'd admit it and correct it. Would a tech-priest agonize over a breach in etiquette? He'd be too busy chanting over holy technology.
It may sound silly, but I hope I've gotten the point across. It's basically a version of "seeing yourself as the type of person who [x]", to take an example from a recent article. In this case, x is "being self-contained" etc.
These realizations have changed my life.... and oddly enough, I now find myself more popular than ever, apparently for not caring about being popular!
All this said, S.A.P. is an awesome meme, and I can totally identify with most of the pictures I've seen.
I call this "aspy game". I used it to great effect in high school, to the extent of feeling that even if I'd never gotten laid after high school I'd still feel like I'd aced natural selection's test. Being naturally narcissistic probably helped. So I guess my secrets to social success, especially with hot chicks, were: dressing well, exercising, befriending a few of the highest status people, and aspy game. (Befriending the highest status people was surprisingly easy. But maybe that was just anthropic selection.)