This reminds me of the Azazel stories by Isaac Asimov. (In a good way.) Do you write in this style naturally or did you just affect it for the purposes of this story?
Incidentally, if (as this comment suggests) you haven't read any Wodehouse yet, you should do so immediately. Anyone who wants to be a writer should study Wodehouse - he's the single greatest prose stylist in English literature, and while he has nothing of importance to say, and no great messages to impart, you can learn more about how to put words together in interesting and amusing ways from The Inimitable Jeeves than you can from several years of college.
http://andrewhickey.info/2010/12/31/jeeves-and-the-singularity
Not sure if this is appropriate here, but I thought some of you might find this story I wrote amusing...