I think your essay should clearly articulate where you disagree with the democracy consensus. You discuss tragedy-of-the-commons and state-of-nature arguments, but those are about whether to have government or anarchy, not what form the government should take. That is, a competent absolute monarchy could avoid both problems pretty easily. If that isn't what you intend to discuss, I recommend removing it from the essay.

I see the seeds of two distinct arguments against democracy in the essay at this point. First, you might be challenging the idea that what is best for "the People" is best for "the Nation." I think I've read prior comments where you challenge the coherence of the concept consent-of-the-governed, but I'm not sure that this is the argument that you intend make here. If it is, pedantic-Tim says that consent-of-the-governed is a wider concept than democracy, so you should acknowledge your intent to refer to things like the justifications for the Glorious Revolution, which I wouldn't call "democratic." For reference, this is where my disagreements with Moldbug are located.

Alternatively, you could be arguing for the "public choice"/"interest group politics" failure mode of democratic governments. That is a specific critique of the previous point, but I think it should be handled distinctly. For example, it is a quite different from the "who counts as part of the people"/Patrician vs. Plebian debates that lurked within the debates about Landowner Suffrage v. Universal Manhood Suffrage v. Universal Suffrage. If this specific critique is your intended topic, I suggest you lay out some of the argument for why you think this failure mode is highly-likely/inevitable. I understand that the argument that this failure mode is not inevitable is laced with "No-True-Scotsman" issues, but it would still illustrate your thinking if you explained why you think that this is the most worrisome failure mode.

To the extent that you are looking for less controversial examples to discuss (in the drafting stages, if not the final essay), you might consider the Honor Harrington series by David Weber, in which the antagonist nation (The Republic of Haven) has a substantial portion of the population on "the Dole" and the elites seek the material wealth necessary to fund this situation and therefore stay in power by engaging in wars of expansion.

ETA: "Crown of Slaves" has a fair amount of the useful nation structure theory, if you want to read only one book. It's a side-story, so it stands independently fairly well.