Sorry, I was going in the wrong direction. You're right that utilitarianism isn't a tool, but a descriptor of what I value.
So, utilitarianism isn't true, it is a matter of taste (preferences, values, etc...)? I'm fine with that. The problem I see here is this: I, nor anyone I have ever met, actually has preferences that are isomorphic to utilitarianism (I am not including you, because I do not believe you when you say that utilitarianism describes your value system; I will explain why below).
I care about both my wellbeing and my husband's wellbeing. No moral system spells out how to balance these things - the Decalogue merely forbids killing him or cheating on him, but doesn't address whether it's permissible to turn on the light while he's trying to sleep or if I should dress in the dark instead. Should I say, "balancing multiple people's needs is too computationally costly" and give up on the whole project?
This is not a reason to adopt utilitarianism relative to alternative moral theories. Why? Because utilitarianism is not required in order to balance some people's interest against others'. Altruism does not require weighing everyone in your preference function equally, but utilitarianism does. Even egoists (typically) have friends that they care about. The motto of utilitarianism is "the greatest good for the greatest number", not "the greatest good for me and the people I care most about". If you have ever purchased a birthday present for, say, your husband instead of feeding the hungry (who would have gotten more utility from those particular resources), then to that extent your values are not utilitarian (as demonstrated by WARP).
When a computation gets too maddening, maybe so. Said husband (jkaufman) and I value our own wellbeing, and we also value the lives of strangers. We give some of our money to buy mosquito nets for strangers, but we don't have a perfect way to calculate how much, and at points it has been maddening to choose. So we pick an amount, somewhat arbitrarily, and go with it.
Even if you could measure utility perfectly and perform rock-solid interpersonal utility calculations, I suspect that you would still not weigh your own well-being (nor your husband, friends, etc...) equally with that of random strangers. If I am right about this, then your defence of utilitarianism as your own personal system of value fails on the ground that it is a false claim about a particular person's preferences (namely, you).
In summary, I find utilitarianism as proposition and utilitarianism as value system very unpersuasive. As for the former, I have requested of sophisticated and knowledgeable utilitarians that they tell me what experiences I should anticipate in the world if utilitarianism is true (and that I should not anticipate if other, contradictory, moral theories were true) and, so far, they have been unable to do so. Propositions of this kind (meaningless or metaphysical propositions) don't ordinarily warrant wasting much time thinking about them. As for the latter, according to my revealed preferences, utilitarianism does not describe my preferences at all accurately, so is not much use for determining how to act. Simply, it is not, in fact, my value system.
So, utilitarianism isn't true, it is a matter of taste (preferences, values, etc...)?
Saying utilitarianism isn't true because some people aren't automatically motivated to follow it is like saying that grass isn't green because some people wish it was purple. If you don't want to follow utilitarian ethics that doesn't mean they aren't true. It just means that you're not nearly as good a person as someone who does. If you genuinely want to be a bad person then nothing can change your mind, but most human beings place at least some value on morality.
Yo...
In March 2009, Tyler Cowen (blog) interviewed Peter Singer about morality, giving, and how we can most improve the world. They are both thinkers I respect a lot, and I was excited to read their debate. Unfortunately the interview was available only as a video. I wanted a transcript, so I made one:
From there I pull back to saying "what does this mean about the problem of world poverty, given that there are, according to Unicef, ten million children dying of avoidable poverty-related causes every year?" We could save some of them, and probably it wouldn't cost us much more than the cost of an expensive pair of shoes if we find an effective aid agency that is doing something to combat the causes of world poverty, or perhaps to combat the deaths of children from simple conditions like diarrhea or measles, conditions that are not that hard to prevent or to cure. We could probably save a life for the cost of a pair of shoes. So why don't we? What's the problem here? Why do we think it's ok to live a comfortable, even luxurious, life while children are dying? In the book I explore various objections to that view, I don't find any of them really convincing. I look at some of the psychological barriers to giving, and I acknowledge that they are problems. And I consider also some of the objections to aid and questions raised by economists as to whether aid really works. In the end I come to a proposal by which I want to change the culture of giving.
The aim of the book in a sense is to get us to internalize the view that not to do anything for those living in poverty, when we are living in luxury and abundance, is ethically wrong, that it's not just not a nice thing to do but that a part of living an ethically decent life is at least to do something significant for the poor. The book ends with a chapter in which I propose a realistic standard, which I think most people in the affluent world could meet without great hardship. It involves giving 1% of your income if you're in the bottom 90% of US taxpayers, scaling up through 5% and 10% and even more as you get into the top 10%, the top 5%, the top 1% of US taxpayers. But at no point is the scale I'm proposing what I believe is an excessively burdensome one. I've set up a website, thelifeyoucansave.com that people can go to in order to publicly pledge that they will meet this scale, because I think if people will do it publicly, that in itself will encourage other people to do it and, hopefully, the idea will spread.
Immigration as an Anti-Poverty Program
I don't think we could have open borders; I don't think we could have unlimited immigration, but we're both sitting here in the United States and it hardly seems to me that we're at the breaking point. Immigrants would benefit much more: their wages would rise by a factor of twenty or more, and there would be perhaps some costs to us, but in a cost-benefit sense it seems far, far more effective than sending them money. Do you agree?
Changing Institutions: Greater Tax Break for True Charity
Millennium Villages Skepticism
Chinese Reforms
Military Intervention
Colonialism
Aid without stable government
Genetically modifying ourselves to be more moral
Problem areas in Utilitarianism
Is Utilitarianism independent?
Peter Singer: Jewish Moralist
What charities does Peter Singer give to?
Zero-Overhead Giving
Moral Intuitions
Improving the world through commerce
What makes Peter Singer happy?
Human and animal pleasures
Pescatarianism
(I also posted this on my blog.)