First impressions:

• too heavy on LW shibboleths and hence too high an inferential distance (he's complaining about the absence of cryonics? How about statistics or math or logic or just materialism, first?).
• The paraphrase of Eliezer's steel golem strategy is very clunky, and doesn't seem like it should impress Sparkle.
• The udder passage could be funnier.

I'd comment on chapter 2, but the site just went down for maintenance. >.<