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adavies42 comments on Friendship is Optimal: A My Little Pony fanfic about an optimization process - Less Wrong Discussion

63 Post author: iceman 08 September 2012 06:16AM

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Comment author: ModusPonies 09 September 2012 08:54:24PM 6 points [-]

This is quite good. I like how you managed to make the ponytopia both extremely attractive and more than a little creepy at the same time. I feel like you presented the situation without trying to argue it was either good or bad, leaving that decision to the reader, and I quite like that approach.

From a storytelling perspective, I only had two real complaints. One is your beginning. There's no conflict until halfway through the first chapter, when Lars and Hanna start arguing. You do a good job setting up the premise before then, but it still makes for a slow start, and I can easily imagine myself recommending this to people with a "no, really, it gets better, stick with it" disclaimer. The second is that there are lengthy stretches where the story consists only of talking heads, with no action or movement. Chapter 4 was the most notable example.

I also found myself wondering about the ethics of creating a sentient being like Butterscotch tailored specifically to the desires of someone else (assuming they weren't lying about her sentience; I don't know how you'd test that). I realize you can't fit everything into the story, but I thought that might have been a cool topic. You made me think about the ethics in ways you didn't directly discuss, so you're clearly doing something right.

Grammar note: the possessive form of "Light Sparks" is "Light Sparks's," since his name is a singular noun.

Wonderful job with the MMO aspects of life in Equestria. After the "what the literal fuck" line, I had to step away from the computer for a minute to savor it before I could keep reading.

If/when you submit this to Equestria Daily, feel free to let me know. I'm one of the prereaders, and while I wouldn't feel comfortable judging something I feel this philosophically invested in, I'd at least try to make sure it didn't get discarded for lack of pony in the very beginning. (We receive, and reject, a fair number of stories that are about bronies rather than ponies. This is a borderline case, but the pony content increases as the story progresses, and I can tell people to look at the post-uploading chapters before deciding.)

Comment author: adavies42 15 September 2012 03:24:22AM 1 point [-]

Grammar note: the possessive form of "Light Sparks" is "Light Sparks's," since his name is a singular noun.

That’s debatable: a trailing apostrophe is almost universally used on some subset of names ending in “s” (Moses’, Jesus’, Socrates’, etc.), and some style manuals extend this rule to all such names.

Comment author: Kindly 15 September 2012 03:48:24AM 1 point [-]

The question can be sidestepped by changing the name to "Light Spark" so that the possessive form is unambiguous.