Need some psychology advice

Kenoubi

Need some psychology advice — LessWrong

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[anonymous]13y50

Thanks for this advice.

One reason I've been reluctant in the past to try CBT is that it seems to be predicated on an assumption that I find implausible. The assumption is that, if you actually conform your beliefs to the available evidence, you will no longer feel depressed, or as depressed as you are currently feeling. For example, CBT applied to body dysmorphic disorder proceeds by challenging the beliefs that patients have about their own attractiveness. But what if you are, as you believe, truly unattractive (as most men seem to be)? And what if lack of physical attractiveness has a major impact on most aspects of your life (as seems to be the case for both men and women)? As far as I can see, in these cases CBT would be ineffective at best, and counterproductive at worst, since the beliefs underlying your negative feelings would in fact be true, and supported by the available evidence.

A1987dM13y10

But what if you are, as you believe, truly unattractive (as most men seem to be)?

I guess you're thinking of “I am ugly, therefore I'll weep”, but another possibility is “I am ugly, therefore I'll get a cool haircut, buy nice clothes, start working out, etc., and hopefully no longer be ugly”. One of them is actually useful.

1juliawise13y

CBT is good for the times when our negative beliefs aren't supported by the available evidence. E.g. yesterday my boss gave me some negative feedback. She also told me she thought I was an overall good worker, and that if I weren't she would have fired me already. I selectively paid more attention to the negative feedback, so my internal reaction was "Aaagh she thinks I'm a bad worker" even though she specifically said the opposite. So it took conscious effort on my part to maintain a realistic view: "She thinks there are problems, but we talked about how I'm going to change, and I'm overall a good worker." CBT training is helpful to me in staying realistic.

16PECOS-913y

Assuming both of those are true, CBT isn't be about denying that. The next step would be to ask "why is that bad?" and "exactly how bad is it?" Eventually, if you do it in a precise structured manner, you'll find some irrational thoughts hidden away somewhere (for example, "if I'm physically unattractive I'll never find romantic love" may be one irrational thought, which is easily countered by pointing out that lots of unattractive people are married). The act of writing it down and following a structured approach is also really important. Even if you know a thought is irrational, it helps to write down all of the reasons it's irrational. I don't know why, but the act of writing it down seems to be important even for things you already "know" in order to believe them on a gut level and actually start to feel better. All of this is described in the Feeling Good Handbook, which you should be able to find a free pdf of if you can't afford it.

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