Open Thread February 25 - March 3

Scott Garrabrant

If it's worth saying, but not worth its own post (even in Discussion), then it goes here.

I’m basically exactly the kind of person Yvain described here, (minus the passive-aggressive/Machiavellian phase). I notice that that post was sort of a plea for society to behave a different way, but it did not really offer any advice for rectifying the atypical attachment style in the meantime. And I could really use some, because I’ve gotten al-Fulani’d. I’m madly in love in with a woman who does not reciprocate. I’ve actually tried going back on OkCupid to move on, and I literally cannot bring myself to message anyone new, as no one else approaches her either in terms of beauty or in terms of being generally interesting (Despite a tendency to get totally snowed by the halo effect, I’m confident that I would consider her interesting even if she were not so beautiful, though a desire to protect her anonymity prevents me from offering specifics.)

Complicating my situation – when she told me she just wanted to be friends, she actually meant that part. And as she is an awesome person, I don’t want to lose the friendship, which means I’m constantly re-exposed to her and can’t even rely on gradual desensitization. Furthermore, when I asked her if my correcting [failure mode that contributed to her not seeing me in a romantic way] would cause her to reconsider, hoping she’d deliver the coup de grace, she said correcting the failure mode would be a good idea, but she didn’t know whether it would change her feeling about a relationship. This leaves me in the arguably worse situation of having a sliver of hope, however miniscule.

Note that I’m not looking for PUA-type advice here, since a) you would assume from looking at me that I’m an alpha and I have no trouble getting dates, and b) I’m not looking to maximize number of intimate partners.

What I want is advice on a) how not to fall so hard/so fast for (a very small minority of) women, and b)how to break the spell the current one has over me without giving up her friendship. I assume this tendency to rapid, all-consuming affection isn’t an immutable mental trait?

b. Self-invest with flow) activities.

I suggest self-investing because, right now, a large part of your identity is entangled with your feelings towards her. Self-investing means growing your identity means transcending your feelings.

I suggest flow because, if you pull off a flow state, you invest all your cognitive resources in the task you're working on. Meaning your brain is unable to think of anything else. This is incredibly valuable.

a. I'm coming out of a similar situation. A large contributor was the fact I wasn't meeting a lot of women. If your univ... (read more)

2RomeoStevens12y

Infatuation seems to be fairly universal.

12Viliam_Bur12y

Seems to me like you want to overcome your "one-itis" and stop being a "beta orbiter", but you are not looking for an advice which would actually use words like "one-itis" and "beta orbiter". I know it's an exaggeration, but this is almost how it seems to me. Well, I'll try to comply: 1) You don't have to maximize the number of sexual partners. You still could try to increase a number of interesting women you had interesting conversation with. I believe that is perfectly morally okay, and still could reduce the feeling of scarcity. Actually, any interesting activity would be helpful. Anything you can think about, instead of spending your time thinking about that one person. 2) Regularly interacting the person you are obsessed with is exactly how you maximize the length of obsession. It's like saying that you want to overcome your alcohol addiction, but you don't want to stop drinking regularly. Well, if one is not an alcoholic, they can manage to drink moderately without developing an addiction; but when one already is an alcoholic, the only way to quit is to stop drinking, completely, for a very long time. The reliable way to overcome the obsession with another person is to stop all contact for, I don't know, maybe three months. No talking, no phone calls, no e-mails, no checking her facebook page, no praying to her statue or a photograph, no asking mutual friends about how she lives, no composing poems about her... absolutely no new information about her and no imaginary interaction with her. And doing something meaningful instead. When the obsession is over, then you can try the friendship. Until then, it's just an obsession rationalized as friendship; an addiction rationalized as not wanting to give up the good parts.

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Open Thread February 25 - March 3

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If it's worth saying, but not worth its own post (even in Discussion), then it goes here.

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Open Thread February 25 - March 3

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If it's worth saying, but not worth its own post (even in Discussion), then it goes here.

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