This is the second post about Dealing with a Major Personal Crisis. The recount of the crisis is complete now. Please continue reading there but comment here.
The reasons for posting it this way are explained at the end of the link. I hope this approach does what I want it to.
'dumping' someone creates a forced choice; a symmetry breaking with all its consequences. The chance of winning her back that way (with all the consequences and further repeat risks down the line) has to be weighted against the consequences of entirely alienating her (which likely involves a break in the family and trauma for the children).
The divorce is real I agree. But it was no fight. We go along OK. Like friendly neighbors (who look after each others kids kind of).
Humans can take that quite well if it is limited and balanced by joy of achievement.
I wasn't advised to make a desperate effort in either direction. I got advice but wasn't urged. My effort stemmed from intrinsic motivation.
I agree that the effort to win someone back can be a desperate effort too. I didn't read your comment that way initially, but now it looks more fitting.
Since you are discussing your private life in public, would you mind if I'd ask why would you want to "win" her back? Seriously, she attempted to bring another man in your house.
And if you just dumped her, what would she have gained by becoming hostile?