it seems a little rough

I can't possibly disagree.

very little difference in character tone

I knew before I started writing that this is a writing skill I need improving. That's part of why I originally included a disclaimer paragraph about the fallibility of memory, and decided to stay with first-person perspective - if I ever need it, I have a built-in excuse in that the narrator is adding their own biases about the other characters' phrasing. (Yes, it's a cop-out. But it's at least one with a lampshade hung on it.)

the work ends up feeling like a sequence of events rather than a story.

I have certain themes and events that I'd like to hit, and some setting details to cover that haven't made it into the story proper yet; I'm /hoping/ that I can bring enough of the threads together by the end to be satisfying. (And unlike some of my previous writing attempts, I am planning on bringing this to a close.)

There are some more specific lexical or typographical matters -- would you prefer they be given by Google Doc comment, or is there another way that you find easier?

For simple things like that, GDocs' system of highlighting text to comment makes it much easier to find and fix them than sending them by some other route. (I do know that I'm highlighting italics with /slashes/ instead of inline code symbols, and that I've been writing out numerals and years rather than using digits; those are semi-deliberate choices.) If you do want a private discussion, you can always email me at my username at gmail dot com.