I want to be excellent, to do something of value, to be admired

From reading what you wrote I don't believe you actually want to do something of value, rather it seems like you want to have done something of value. In the OP you said:

During that time it became clear to me that I wanted to be a writer.

All the writers whose blogs I read have very little respect for someone who "wants to be a writer", as opposed to someone who wants to write. (This is not restricted to writing).

Incidentally, you wrote:

At their parties I feel alien, trying to understand conversations about authors and theories I ought to have read about but didn't because I spent those formative years trying to not kill myself.

I don't know what kind of theories are fashionable to talk about in Columbia, but if they're anything like the ones similar people talk about in the US and Europe, they're mostly nonsense, don't worry that you don't understand them.