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Elo comments on Group rationality diary, May 24th - June 13th - Less Wrong Discussion
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Suggestion that seemed to help me when I was stumped for conversation; ask yourself "what do I want to know about this person?" some things I come up with: * Where are they from * What do they do (but I recently realised I would rather know their hopes and dreams than what they are doing now) * Hopes and dreams/goals/plans * pets * are they studying * do they also like X (thing that I like)
From a strictly PUA perspective; Logistics.
1. where does this person live 2. what are they doing tomorrow 4. are they suited to me (this can change over the conversation) 5. do I have an opportunity to take them home with me (this can change over the conversation) 6. are they old enough/too old (local legal statuses/personal preferences). 7. do I have a connection once I leave here; Number; facebook; email; 8. plans to meet them again.
Other things that help awkwardness: Truthfully explaining your position - "I promised myself I would go to a bar and talk to strangers, but I don't really know what I am doing, I thought you looked like a friendly person to talk to so I started with you. I am looking to make friends, can you help me?". As long as its the truth people should be able to read that off you and will treat you better once you have accounted for the potential strange behaviour. (help people understand what is happening in your head)
PM for a further breakdown if you need.
Have you actually experienced this, or is this an assumption? I would have expected that saying these sorts of things would come off as a red flag for "this person is awkward/desperate" --> avoid contact.
As a two-option situation:
explain
don't explain
Assuming you are going to act, or feel awkwardly either way. You would be better off also explaining the situation than have the person be put-off by those behaviours without understanding why/what is going on.
As an added bonus, asking someone to help you, "can you help me meet new people/make friends" (ask a stranger to do a favour for you) will make them like you more. Internally its a signal that goes something like - (system1) I only do favours for people I like; I barely know this person; I must like this person. Kinda a cheaty-way to get people to like you. Where accepting to do a favour is a system 2 response (person asked a favour; its an easy one that I can help with).
This concept is well explained in the book "the charisma myth". using a related concept. If you are having a meeting in a coffee shop and you are sitting in the sun, you are likely to be squinting a lot. Or the other party is likely to notice you squinting a lot. without (the other party) necessarily understanding why - a squinting face is similar to a suspicious or judgemental facial expression. If you want to be seen as "just squinting/judging right now" you are best to explain the fact that you are squinting because of the sun, not letting them assume you are inherently squinting/suspicious.
"Being an awkward person" is not a permanent characteristic, only one that pops up in new environments. By identifying it; you allow people to be charitable as to what your traits are usually, and you can warm up to them in your own time.
Does this make sense?
Yes, it makes a lot of sense. It's more of a method to combat already existing awkwardness, than a preventative measure. There's no need to bring it up if you're feeling comfortable anyway.
oh yes definitely. I should have been more clear about those two points. That was implied with it having to be the truth, but I guess I didn't see it clearly. Thanks for that! and glad I could help.