How to perform surgery on yourself with Clarity

I do irrational things. The other day I bought a flight interstate, somewhat impulsively, to a conference I knew next to nothing about for complicated reasons. Instantregret, but the cancellation fee is about half the price of the ticket. I also got some art professionally designed for a few hundred dollars, that I didn't need or want. I've also lost thousands gambling and on the stock exchange. I'm stupid in many ways, but I'm also capable enough to be able to share insights from the other side of sanity with the real world, or so I'd like to think. There are some things which I do that aren't rational, for which the term irrational isn't very useful, in the same what that people can be 'not even wrong', perhaps. But enough self-indulgent psychopity and self-handicapping.

I'm finding it hard recently to concentrate on anything other than surgery - particular self surgery and how and why I ought to perform it. But, Im not a surgeon. And, for this to be rational I ought to have a terminal goal. I don't have one. In fact, at best I can rationalise that in case I get in a survival situation and have no one to help, I can do it myself. But, that's extremely unlikely. It's not even rationalisation since I haven't made the decision, it's merely optimism. Being crazy is hard, so looking on the bright side keeps me from feeling like killing myself. At least this new found interest is somewhat amusing and something that is somewhat learnable. Sometimes I get interested in areas for which I have no where near the pre-requisite knowledge to understand, often some technical something in economics or computer science. In those cases, I just end up learning things incorrectly. At least with surgery, it's somewhat of a practical skill and medical students are often taught things superficially (this leads to this, or this is connected to that) rather than say, (this is proven by that the rem, or demonstrated by this experiment). To celebrate my 100 karma (and it was a difficult journey!) I just thought I would document this experience and what I'm compelled to research to give the more rational among you some insight in what its like to be on the far other side of rationality, and aware of it.

1. See examples of self-surgery for inspiration. Examples

2. people who do it are heroic. Don't be half assed

3. desensitise yourself by snooping on actual surgeries. From experience in psychiatric wards, it shouldn't be very hard to sneak into surgical viewing theatres. Minimal social engineering required. Hospitals are shocking with security. Note: Don't actually do this. Remember, this is just to explain my thinking process which as I mentioned is off the beaten path of sensisbility)

4. read this guide which is the only guide to self-surgery I can find. Though it suggests reading textbooks, the medical textbooks in the surgery section of my local university's library don't seem to be very useful at all in actually how to do surgery. Maybe one has to learn how to do it by watching.

Ok. At this point. Looks like I've somehow managed to overcome this little excursion from sensibility. I don't really care for self-surgery anymore. My testicles feel kinda sore for no apparent reason, but it feels good knowing that at least they're there and not in a medical waste bin instead.

In the spirit of radical honesty, I'm going to be posting this highly embarrassing comment then try not to think about it. Certainly won't be my most embarrassing post so far.