1) Yours is not the first account of being offended I have heard. Unfortunately it makes sense. Everyone thinks of themselves as "being a nice person", even if the only money they give to charity is a dollar a week to the homeless.

Pursuing the much loftier goal of eg. giving 10% attacks this fundamental identity basis; and since there is no argumentative recourse, they can only react on the emotional level. Its an immune response.

Was your impression that your family was offended that you asked for them to make a donation instead of a gift? Or that it was relating to EA specifically?

I've heard of regular families doing donations instead of gifts. My own family already had members that asked for charity, so last year when I asked for donations to Givewell charities it went pretty fine.

(The previous year, they knew I cared about effective giving and they made a donation to some random "support a child in Africa" charity. I just said "Thank You" politely, and the next year I asked specifically for givewell charities.)

I can definitely see saying "I want everyone to donate to these charities because they're the BEST" to go over poorly with people who already care about a particular charity, and I can see people being upset with "you should give 10% of your income."

But "these particular charities are really important to me, and during the holiday season I'd really rather help people less fortunate that receive a gift myself. Would you consider giving whatever amount you'd have given me to these charities?"

One note (perhaps relevant to Soothsilver above) is that it may feel important to give tangible gifts. What my family does, when giving intangible gifts, is accompany them with a tangible simple of the gift.