SquirrelInHell comments on My Kind of Moral Responsibility - Less Wrong Discussion
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(I like your way of thinking, and I like even more that you look at this problem in the first place. I've had this mental note that says "utilitarianism vs guilt???" for a while now.)
One facet of the problem I think you overlooked is the "social group" dynamic.
Consider, which of these two is a more accurate expansion of "I'm a utilitarian" as observed in Real Life (TM):
"My goal is to save lives effectively, in accordance with a coherent utility function (etc.)"
"I think it's 'good'/'proper' to save lives effectively, in accordance with a coherent utility function (etc.)"