I had a nightmare last night. usually such things involve monsters and such, but this one... this one was just a nameless, formless terror that gripped my heart as I stood in unnaturally deep darkness, scrambling to light my way. when it woke me, my heart pounding, I was tempted to turn on a light. but it never really gets dark in a big city- too much light pollution from the streetlights and cars passing by. I'm tired of being afraid. I don't drive, I'm lucky enough to get a carpool, but it still terrifies me whenever I see a car pull out just a bit too far for comfort- just enough that the driver couldn't avoid a crash if they decided not to stop. I know the statistics- I know that at my age and health, if anything's going to kill me, it's that. I'm sure you heard of the shooting in furgeson, and I'm sure you know of the psychological effects that promote "copycat" killers. sure enough, less than a week after, an LEO (Law enforcement officer) shot an unarmed teenager here. I'm not black, but I don't think it matters. the current method of law enforcement, when you get right down to it, depends on fear. you do what they say, or they tell you to allow them to punish you. and if you resist? they outright kill you. they want everyone too scared to disobey. but the people are demanding more and more freedoms, and growing to resent the LEOs more and more. eventually, we will attempt to replace them with a completely different method of law enforcement. ...and they will not give up their power lightly. and that's ignoring the idea of there being a riot here, which is entirely possible if these copycat killings don't stop. I desperately want an education, but the traditional colleges are a scam- a monopoly that charges insanely high prices for a product that's not necessarily valuable, and indeed is quickly becoming almost valueless in our society. their game is rigged. I can't play it or I lose. I can't not play it, or I don't get what I want and therefore lose. I'm searching desperately for a third option, and I'm terrified I won't find one. right now, I plan to save up to go to New York, and Hackerschool. but the costs are high- it'll take me a while to save up to go. and if I do, there's more guarantee than that the information they offer is valuable, but it's still not certain (yet). it's a gamble I can't afford to lose, but at least it's a fair gamble this time. I'm just so tired of being afraid. afraid of the transportation system we allowed to be the highest cause of injury-related death, afraid of the justice system we allowed to become corrupt, afraid of the people we angered, afraid that I'll never achieve my goals because of the education system we allowed to become ineffective and overpriced. it's so frustrating to be experiencing consequences of events so dizzyingly out of my control.