Just gonna throw a suggestion out there:
Be genuine with your tone. If it doesn't sound like something you'd actually say out loud, don't say it. Or at least come up with a different way to say it that's not all BS-y.
People aren't stupid, they know when you're being phony even they don't realize they know it. For example the OP kinda comes across a little affected, which is why I think people are down voting it. (I didn't, by the way). Someone said that the confident tone doesn't match the subject matter, and I agree with that 100%
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This makes your post sound as if it's addressed only to men, which IMO is unseemly. Otherwise, nice post.
In my experience, women enjoy the idea of coming first.