I realized that whatever "being clever" means - this is what I want to live for, this is something I want as my end goal
"Being clever" is not a goal. It's just the state where you are (or you look) smarter than people around you. That doesn't seem to be a worthwhile aim in life.
I disagree. My drive to "be clever" has nothing to do with my intelligence compared to other people, it's just about my desire to push my understanding of the universe, mastery of my skills, and creativity as far as I can. I love knowing things, understanding things, and being able to create things. And being good at it is what matters to me the most. At least this is what 'being clever' means to me.
Other people are just examples of what's possible, or of what I should avoid. I really don't care whether I appear smarter than them, it is just about pushing my potential as far as possible.
As to whether it is a worthwhile aim in life - it seems pretty worthwhile to me. So far I have not found anything more interesting or worthy of pursuing.
I have always loved intelligence and creativity. When I was about 12 years old, I have discovered 3D computer graphics, and got addicted to it - learning, understanding, and creating things was the most fun thing I have ever experienced.
As I got older, I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I want out of life and what are my values. After thinking for a long time and reading books like "Atlas Shrugged" and "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!", I have identified that "being clever" is my main drive in life, my main value. I realized that whatever "being clever" means - this is what I want to live for, this is something I want as my end goal, intelligence(and creativity) for it's own sake.
Once I've realized that, I have started looking for ways to learn things and become more intelligent. I have stumbled upon Paul Graham's essays, and decided that startups, programming, and writing are the best paths for me, mastering these things will make me the kind of person I want to be, teach me things, and improve my brain.
I have never explicitly pursued "rationality", I was just trying to read books, learn from smart people, and do what makes sense.
Later I happened upon HPMOR, found out about LessWrong, and really enjoyed EY's essays. So here I am now.
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Maslow would probably call that "self-actualization".
The desire to understand is quite different from the desire to be clever, at least as I understand these words.
What kind of things do you want to create?
I think that ability to understand is a part of being clever. So is knowing a lot of things, and being able to come up with unusual ideas, and being able to focus on a task for a long time, and ability to achieve goals, and many other things.
I want to create a startup.
And I also want to write awesome fiction(Rationalist sci-fi comedy. Something like Rick and Morty meets HPMOR).