For what it's worth, I'm doing roughly the same thing, though starting with linear algebra. At first I started with multivariable calc, but when I found it too confusing, people advised me to skip to linear algebra first and then return to MVC, and so far I've found that that's absolutely the right way to go. I'm not sure why they're usually taught the other way around; LA definitely seems more like a prereq of MVC.

I tried to read Spivak's Calc once and didn't really like it much; I'm not sure why everyone loves it. Maybe it gets better as you go along, idk.

I've been doing LA via Gilbert Strang's lectures on the MIT Open CourseWare, and so far I'm finding them thoroughly fascinating and charming. I've also been reading his book and just started Hoffman & Kunze's Linear Algebra, which supposedly has a bit more theory (which I really can't go without).

Just some notes from a fellow traveler. ;-)

I am thoroughly familiar with Feeling Good and feel that I can argue circles around it. My original statement (that I'll fail at everything) is an example of "overgeneralization" and "fortune telling." But this sounds to me like just a way of stating the problem of induction: nothing can ever be certain or generalized because we don't know what we don't know etc. etc. However, science itself basically rests on induction. If I drop a steel ball (from the surface of this planet), will it float, even if I think positively really hard? No. It won't. Our reason makes conclusions based on past evidence. If past evidence suggests that attempts lead to failure, why ISN'T it reasonable to assume that future attempts will lead to failure? Yes, the variables will be different, I guess, but it's still a gamble. If you think I should give it a go anyway, then you may as well advise me to buy lottery tickets, imo. And I just can't dredge up the sufficient motivation to pursue something with chances like that.

An equally valid frame would be to think that some outside circumstance was responsible (bad economy, say) or that you had not yet mastered the right skill set.

Kind of funny that you suggest blaming external forces instead of taking personal responsibility, but okay. I would say the latter is the case for me: I did not master the sufficient skill set, even after ten years or whatever. The people who are successful in my field do so MUCH earlier. So, okay, I didn't master the right skill set. I don't see how that's supposed to make me feel any better. It doesn't change my shitty situation. And it only makes me question, well why didn't I? I wanted to; I attempted to. Clearly, I did something wrong. I either don't have sufficient talent at my field or talent at learning to have mastered those skills.

But those are innate and permanent traits, which you (and many others) apparently consider invalid, which I don't really get, but I'll accept it for the moment. So due to non-innate and temporary faults, I failed to achieve my objectives. Again, how is this supposed to make me feel better? Because I'm supposed to believe those faults have mysteriously vanished, or I can work to improve them? Even if that's so, the rewards that are reasonable to expect from attempting to improve them seem so minimal at this point that, again, it doesn't seem worth bothering about. I'm willing to concede that this is depressive thinking, but it seems to me more like a difference of opinion than disordered reasoning: some people think hard work with little reward or low chance of a big reward is fun; I do not. It's no different that my hating a movie you like and vice versa.

consider that your depression likely is making you pessimistic about your prognosis.

Yes, I've heard this before, but I don't see why any reasonable, non-depressed person would be pessimistic about it. As I've said, it's not like this is the first time I've ever been depressed in my life and I'm irrationally predicting that I can't be cured. And I've heard stories like yours before: people who were depressed until they found the right combination of medications. But in my situation, my psychiatrists have gone back and forth between different combinations and then right back around to the ones I already tried. Changing them up YET AGAIN just feels like shuffling the deck chairs around on the Titanic (but of course I'd say that). If there are tons more different medications to try as you assert, none of my psychiatrists seem to know about it.

To be fully clear, anti-depressants have had an effect on me. I definitely don't feel unbearably miserable and anxious as I do without them. They just haven't gotten me to 100%.

I GUESS I could ask my psychiatrist to try yet another combination I haven't tried before. But it just sounds like a nuisance, frankly.

As for exercise, yes, I've heard that countless times. I used to be much more active, and don't recall it ever having a palpable effect on my mood. Nowadays, it's just not gonna happen. I've tried to get myself to exercise, with some occasional success, but with my work schedule, when it finally comes time to do it, I flatly refuse. You could say, "you just gotta find something you enjoy!!" But I'm depressed! I enjoy nothing! (/sarcasm) I guess I could make sure to make time for hiking (probably what I enjoy the most) or get a membership at an expensive gym near work (which would be the most convenient arrangement for me) but the fact that exercise never particularly had an effect on me makes me not particularly motivated to do so.

I asked that of someone else when they made the same statement about ECT. The most common side effect is memory loss. You prompted me to look into the details, and I guess I wouldn't mind losing a couple months of memory (usually the only permanent effect). However, the jury appears to be out on ECT as well, so it may not even be worth it.

I actually looked at that exact website you linked to about ketamine. I'm all for it! However, all those studies are also across the country from me. Although you could say that quitting my job and staying across the country for 2 months is worth the chance of treating my depression, I'm not certain that the possible benefits outweigh the risk of being unemployed, and potentially for a long time, given the current labor market. After all, I could end up just in the control group and have no treatment at all, or the treatment could be ineffective.

Also, just for the sake of clarity, I was wrong: I'm actually not clinically depressed; I have dysthymia, which is a chronic low-grade depression (i.e. I can still function, go to work, seem normal, etc.). Maybe this is why none of my psychiatrists have recommended ECT, even when I was suicidal? Idk.

If my depression does explain my failures, then I really am pretty much destined to fail in the future since this appears to be treatment-resistant depression and as I described, I've run out of treatment options. Thanks anyway.

Sigh, well, I've been trying to fix it for about ten years (so as long as I've been failing. Coincidence?? Probably not). I'm on 2 anti-depressants right this minute (the fourth or fifth cocktail of which I've tried). I've gone through years of therapy. And the result? Still depressed, often suicidally.

So what else am I supposed to do? I refuse to go to therapy again. I'm sick of telling my whole life story over and over, and looking back on my past therapists, I think they were unhelpful at best and harmful at worst (for encouraging me to pursue my ludicrous pipe dreams, for instance). Moreover, talk therapy (including cognitive behavioral therapy, which some say is the most effective form) is, according to several meta-studies I've looked at, of dubious benefit.

I could try ECT, but apparently it has pretty bad side-effects. I've looked into submitting myself as a lab rat for deep brain stimulation (for science!), but haven't been able to find a study that wouldn't require quitting my job and staying somewhere across the country for two months. So here I am.

But if we can sidestep the ad hominem argument for a moment, it sounds like you're saying that my aversion to failing at something else is irrational. Would you mind pointing out the error in my reasoning? (This sort of exchange is basically cognitive behavioral therapy, btw.)

lol I almost added a sort of disclaimer addressing that. Yes, I am definitely clinically depressed -- partly due to my having failed so epically, imo, but of course I'd say that. ::eyeroll:: However, I don't see the benefit in just discounting everything I say with the statement "you're depressed." Not that you did, but that's the usual response people usually seem to give.

No one succeeds constantly. Success generally follows a string of failures.

Yeah, so they say. But you have to admit that the degree of success and the length of strings of failures are quite different for each person. If that weren't true, then every actor would be a movie star. Moreover, success is never guaranteed, no matter how many failures you've endured!

There's no point in getting specific if I think I'll fail at anything I try to do.

Purely financially speaking, the costs of a career transition could range from opportunity costs to hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt if I decide to get a masters or something. Opportunity costs would be in the form of, say, foregoing income I would get from more intently pursuing my current field (e.g. becoming a paralegal, which is probably the most obvious next step) instead of studying another field and starting all over again with an entry-level position or even an unpaid internship.

Although less pay might sound rather benign, the idea of making less than I do now (which isn't much) is rather horrifying. But then again, so is being condemned to a lifetime of drudgery. And I could potentially make a lot more in a different career track, meaning I would break even at some point.

Between those two extremes include things like spending several hundred dollars on classes or certifications.

I'm not married and don't have kids, so luckily those sorts of concerns don't enter the equation.

The emotional costs of trying another career (if you want to take those into account as well) would be utter heartbreak from failing yet again (if that's how it turns out).

Another intangible cost is leisure time. Instead of pursuing another career on my off-hours, I could be playing video games, sleeping, working out, hanging out with friends, etc. Although those things might seem like not a big deal to sacrifice in the name of a better career, after wasting years of my life on fruitless pursuits, I can't help but feel that "hard work" just isn't worth it. I may as well have been playing video games that whole time.