This isn't strictly related, but I was thinking about polyamory today and I was wondering something.

I've never experienced polyamory in real life, and while aspects of it seem cool, there's a major concern I would have with it. I feel like I would deplore a situation in which I have only one partner who in turn has multiple partners. I wouldn't be able to shake the feeling that I was getting the raw end of the deal, like I had been duped into becoming a willing participant in a sort of public systematic cuckoldry.

Given that fact, I feel like any polyamorous relationship with a "primary" would be a constant battle of sorts to ensure that I have a greater than or equal to number of dating prospects as my partner. But as a man (the username is a dumb joke), I feel like this battle would be stacked against me, as women tend to have an easier time finding dates. I imagine that this is doubly true in a rationalist community where the men probably outnumber the women by a significant amount.

I'm not sure if feeling this way says more about polyamory, or my own selfishness and insecurities. Anyway, I would be interested in hearing from polyamorous people if this is an issue that ever comes up, and if so, how it's dealt with.

I know what you mean. For me it helped to come out to everyone I cared about. I wasn't able/willing to do so with family, and those interactions are more stressful than interactions with friends. The increased mental load of "don't out yourself" is not insignificant.

However, I'm surprised you've been poly for 20 months if you've found it to be net negative.

Trying to notice and update on how much brainpower is used by/distraction is caused by looming unmade decisions, even fairly trivial ones.

The fact that you describe this as "my negative experience" instead of something like "the only negative part of my experience" suggests to me that you think you would be happier in a non-poly relationship which is otherwise the same as your current relationship in as many ways as possible. Is that so?

Leaving aside the fact that mono and poly relationship opportunities have limited overlap and therefore often aren't really comparable, would you convert your current relationship to a monogamous (monoamorous?) one if you could, even though that would require excluding some members of it? Or is the relationship you have now, with its multiple partners, something you would not risk losing for the sake of some conformity?

I ask because I really can't tell from your comment whether you're describing "being in a poly relationship is a negative outcome (but I stay in it anyway because it beats my available alternatives)" or "this is a significantly negative experience that I have had as a result of being poly (but the total outcome of the relationship is positive)" and the subject of the thread is outcomes more than specific experiences.

EDIT: grammar.

The main negative aspect of my ongoing experience (20 months so far) has primarily been in increased awkwardness around acquaintances and family members. I'm predisposed to that anyway, and actually doing something nonconformy (and not really having much sense of how acquaintances and family members feel about it, even those who are aware of the relationship) has heightened the phenomenon.

It's definitely net positive overall, though. :)

edit: deobfuscation

Separation of factors is noble but in this case it's pretty much impossible. How do you separate someone's mental health from desire to be in a poly relationship?

I'd be more interested in the effects of various types of poly relationships. For instance, are poly relationships with one man and several women more stable and positive than one woman and several men? I suspect the answer to be yes.

The on-paper outcome of two break-ups and a marriage would probably not have been different. The ensuing drama/ruined friendships/trust issues, etc. probably would have been.

Negative, first-hand: long-term cohabiting partner of a couple of years convinced me into polyamory. In spite of me explicitly vetoing my two best friends, the partner proceeded to implicitly bargain away this boundary while convincing Best Friend #1 I was totally cool with it. This blew up while Best Friend #1 and his long-term girlfriend were visiting us for Christmas. After fucking up our relationship, she proceeded to do the same with BF#1 and his girlfriend. She then moved onto BF#2, who she subsequently married under apparently monogamous terms. BF#1 and I don't talk all that much any more. BF#2 and I never talk any more.

The moral of this tale: careless, selfish people can deal exponentially more damage in a polyamorous environment. Also, don't break up with people over Christmas if you can reasonably help it.

Interested in negative outcomes caused by poly-ness, but I've posted all my experiences, including the two that seem to have issues unrelated to being poly, because I think more data are better.

Per passive_fist's suggestion, I am collecting my experiences as replies to this comment and deleting the originals. I'm keeping them as separate comments so that they may be replied to individually.