All of atorm's Comments + Replies

Lots of talking with my wife to establish boundaries and make sure everyone was comfortable. A year or so of frustration at the lack of appeal in a married man. A few okcupid girlfriends that didn't work out, and eventually one that has.

Yes. I'm married and have a polyamorous girlfriend, with no intention of reproducing. The relationships are fulfilling and provide social stability. And sex with a partner improves over time, so even if that were your only goal long term relationships might be worth pursuing.

At least it's an interesting post. There are so few of those these days.

Thanks, doing so.

I already am published. When we got the paper accepted, instead of congratulating me, he said "Now you need to get another one before you graduate."

Repost due to lack of reply: I’m a fourth year PhD student in the life sciences, and I need mentorship, preferably from a Slytherin, or at least someone with a Slytherin hat. My advisor doesn’t want me doing “mercenary collaborations”, or quick experiments with researchers outside my field in exchange for secondary authorships. He says I need to focus on my thesis research in the next year so as to publish and graduate. Are there any academics in the LW readership who have the insight to tell me whether this is good advice or whether he just wants me pumping out papers with his name on them so he can get tenure?

I’m a fourth year PhD student in the life sciences, and I need mentorship, preferably from a Slytherin, or at least someone with a Slytherin hat. My advisor doesn’t want me doing “mercenary collaborations”, or quick experiments with researchers outside my field in exchange for secondary authorships. He says I need to focus on my thesis research in the next year so as to publish and graduate. Are there any academics in the LW readership who have the insight to tell me whether this is good advice or whether he just wants me pumping out papers with his name on them so he can get tenure?

Ki (chi, qi) exercises such as "unbendable arm" from aikido and other martial arts seem to actually have an effect on effective strength. My best guess is that this is a result of altered muscle firing patterns.

WTF was Harry forgetting when he grabbed the Remembrall?

Transfiguration requires the caster's wand to touch the target. However, Harry's understanding of partial transfiguration was based on his understanding of the underlying quantum field nature of reality. This means that Harry's wand is touching everything all at once. He should be able to Transfigure anything in the area that he wants, and based on the Azkaban sequence, he could think or speak while doing so.

My experience of ADHD includes a tendency to become distracted by thought while moving between tasks or places. I have found that headphones with an audiobook help lock my attention down to two tracks instead of half a dozen: I'm either thinking about my task, or the words in my ear. Obviously your mileage may vary, but ADHD people develop all sorts of coping methods, so my broad advice is "experiment with lots of things to help get things done, even if other people are skeptical of their effectiveness."

I'm being targeted for mass down-voting. Thanks for caring!

People tend to see relationships as more than contractual exchanges of favors. In this case it seems like gothgirl defines some of his self-worth from his ability to gain/keep partners, or at least draws some utility from having as many as his primary partner does.

People are complicated and get a lot of different things out of their relationships.

I think you're oversimplifying feelings a bit.

OK, fair point.

Sharp knives are safer than dull ones.

"Polygamy" involves marriage.

Are one or both of them still practicing polyamorists with other partners?

I get the impression that the quality/dressiness hierarchy goes jeans < cheap slacks < nice (dark wash) jeans < nice slacks. That is, you are better dressed in nice jeans than crummy slacks, even if crummy slacks are acceptable at work and nice jeans are not. And nice jeans are "cooler" than slacks. But this may all be colored by my opinion.

I wonder if that would work. Also, where is the compelling internal dialogue about the value of being bisexual?

I know what you mean. For me it helped to come out to everyone I cared about. I wasn't able/willing to do so with family, and those interactions are more stressful than interactions with friends. The increased mental load of "don't out yourself" is not insignificant.

However, I'm surprised you've been poly for 20 months if you've found it to be net negative.

Dark wash jeans can often be more versatile than slacks for situations that aren't businessy.

I find that yellow or other warm-colored sunglasses have a noticeable positive effect on my mood.

My thought was indeed "see if you like studying martial arts".

Turned out true though.

I am sorry someone made you feel that way.

I thought people would think I was paranoid. It would be helpful if we could punish the defector.

That was my guess too, but I was worried about voicing it.

That's definitely consensual non-monogamy in my opinion.

Take a month of martial arts training (aikido, jujitsu, and judo are popular soft styles, Tae Kwon Do and Krav Maga are two very different hard styles (TKD is fun and mostly useless for defense, Krav is super effective for dangerous situations but pretty grueling)).

Join the local swing dancing scene. If you don't have one, try salsa or Argentine Tango.

Take an art course. Start with a beginner class that does a little with lots of different of media types, then take a class focusing on the medium you prefer. Do this even if you feel you are bad at art. I am... (read more)

Man, imagine if Eliezer or some other big name wrote "Bi-hacking" and LessWrong became known for all the deliberate bisexuals.

I attribute their problems to the husband's apparently deteriorating mental health rather than to polyamory. The wife says she feels that polyamory has still been a positive for her despite what has happened.

It happened to me too, on the accidentally deleted version. I kind of wonder if someone just objects to the topic, but I wouldn't expect that kind of petty behavior from LW.

They had a primary partner, I had a primary partner. We were secondary to each other.

Negative experience: I met someone who was in an open relationship with her husband and a boyfriend. Over the next few months I watched her marriage explode as her husband adjusted poorly to anti-depressants. They are in the process of divorcing, and she is on-again off-again with the boyfriend. My impression is that both she and her husband have emotional issues that may have contributed to this outcome.

Positive experience: A female friend of mine seems extremely satisfied with her poly lifestyle. She has been poly for several years, with a break for monogamy that she regrets.

Neutral/negative experience: My partner has dated two people who would not describe themselves as being poly (they were monogamously interested in my partner). They knew that my relationship to my partner was primary, but still ended up with broken hearts when my partner broke up with them. My partner is fine. This doesn't look much different from the outcome I would expect if my partner had been monogamous.

Positive experience: I dated someone who was already in a primary relationship. They ended it fairly amicably because they felt that my primary relationship was affecting my relationship with them in a way they didn't like.

Positive experience: I dated someone who knew both my primary partner and me. Doing so did not affect their friendship. I ended the relationship fairly amicably for reasons unrelated to non-monogamy.

Negative experience: A married couple who were living six hours apart opened up their marriage. When I met them they were not having any obvious issues with the arrangement. Eventually it came out that the husband was lying about partners both to his wife and to the other women. The rules of their relationship allowed him to have sex with other women as long as his wife knew about them, and yet he seemed compelled to lie whenever possible. The wife gains some comfort from the support of her lover, and has not yet decided whether to end the marriage.

Positive experience: My monogamous relationship was suffering due to my partner's sudden drop in libido and the tension this caused. Although I had read Polyhacking, we didn't really consider Consensual Non-Monogamy until my partner met another person in an open marriage who framed it as a positive thing. Since we opened up, my partner and I have been much happier, although lately there has been stress due to my partner not currently seeing anyone else and wanting more of my time.

Per passive_fist's suggestion, I am collecting my experiences as replies to this comment and deleting the originals. I'm keeping them as separate comments so that they may be replied to individually.

Oh good grief. What has happened here? How do I fix it? How do I summon a mod?

Not here? I've seen lots of monogamous relationships.

Actually, the current hypothesis is brain damage. I know that sounds like insulting hyperbole, but he had a serious head injury a few years ago, and his behavior has become more and more erratic recently. She's trying to get him to get a head scan. But no, I don't actually think the issue is polyamory.

Interested in negative outcomes caused by poly-ness, but I've posted all my experiences, including the two that seem to have issues unrelated to being poly, because I think more data are better.

Positive experience: I dated someone who knew both my primary partner and me. Doing so did not affect their friendship. I ended the relationship fairly amicably for reasons unrelated to non-monogamy.

Positive experience: I dated someone who was already in a primary relationship. They ended it fairly amicably because they felt that my primary relationship was affecting my relationship with them in a way they didn't like.

Neutral/negative experience: My partner has dated two people who would not describe themselves as being poly (they were monogamously interested in my partner). They knew that my relationship to my partner was primary, but still ended up with broken hearts when my partner broke up with them. My partner is fine. This doesn't look much different from the outcome I would expect if my partner had been monogamous.