In the vein of the Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality discussion threads this is the place to discuss anything relating to Alicorn's Twilight fanfic Luminosity. The fanfic is also archived on Alicorn's own website <strike>(warning: white text on black background)</strike>.
Previous discussion is hidden so deeply within the first Methods of Rationality thread that it's difficult to find even if you already know it exists.
Similar to how Eliezer's fanfic popularizes material from his sequences Alicorn is using the insights from her Luminosity sequence.
Spoilers for the fanfic itself as well as the original novels need and should not be hidden, but spoiler protection still applies for any other works of fiction, except for Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality chapters more than a week old so we can freely discuss similarities and differences.
EDIT: Post-ginormous-spoiler discussion should go to the second thread. (If you have any doubt on whether you have reached the spoiler in question you have not.)
First off, thanks for responding! As well, Archangel looks interesting; I'm assuming that's a decent place to start on Shinn?
"I am very puzzled about why you are trying to compare Luminosity's fulfillment of this genre to Twilight's when you have not read Twilight at all."
I'm comparing it to optimal; literally every book on my shelf is more readable (to me) than Twilight. The point of fanfic as I understand it is to be what the book could have been. The main reason I did make comparisons is that I get the feeling your work overcorrects on some things that are deficiencies in the original, and it's worth analyzing the relevant continua.
I felt the opposite. The first piece of writing advice, for good reason, is "show don't tell." (I understand you're shooting for teen, and so getting laid is not something you can show, but you can make up for it everywhere else.)
The first time- the "Among the enhanced vampire senses is touch" line- was well done, and you deserve props for it. But in the work as a whole the most memorable time Edward touches Bella is when he breaks her spine. Anyone can use the words "comfort" or "caress," the challenge is evoking the emotions. Indeed, the only habit I can think of peculiar to them is that they just say "I love you" instead of "I love you too," which is justified only by vampires being super-emotional.
For example, in the first section of chapter 45, there are ~8 lines about Bella rationalizing about her and Edward's disappointment, and then ~2 lines about exchanging comfort that didn't depend on rationalization. The reader's impression is that rationalizing is at least four times as important as comfort: you gave us a walkthrough of Bella's thoughts on the matter, but no details about her and Edward's actions. Italicizing the "our" doesn't capture why Bella wants Edward's baby, and why Edward wants Bella's baby. It would have been easy and effective to write eight lines there so the comfort took up more of the page than the sour grapes.
If you make a habit of that- giving even equal description to emotion/perception than you do to rationalizations- then it'll stand out. (Since action/rationalization tends to happen more, I mean equality in paragraph-lengths, not number of lines on each.) There are exceptional cases where the emotion is treated with the same level of depth than the rationalizations are- but for most of them, even more would help.
(On the subject of perception: the primary description we get of vampire senses is essentially "they're too high-level to describe." This is the Vizzini method- "Have you ever heard of Plato, Socrates, and Aristotle? ... Morons," and it's worse than just overwhelming. Write a paragraph or two or twelve about what it's like to run through the trees, seeing their branches and twigs turn and dance all at once, able to focus on more than just one small bit. Ultraviolent is her new favorite color- why not tour botanical gardens, and get the full bee experience? The reason that "show don't tell" is convincing is that the author demonstrates they have extra information: they don't just know "love" is the symbol to call upon, they have an experience to describe to you.
I'm not saying immortality shouldn't be part of the story- it should. I'm saying that the scale of Bella's ambitions needs to be sensible. Why would any sane person do more about overthrowing the Volturi- who at that point had done nothing but help her- than convincing her parents to become immortal? I'm convinced my government is evil on a stupefying scale but I spend more time trying to create wealth and improve them than overthrow them. You'd have drama far more interesting than Grandma Betty's fruitcake, but be operating on a level that doesn't strain credulity or naturally lead to defeat.
I think another thing that bothers me, when it comes to Bella Guevera, is that neither of her stances have strong backing / she doesn't rigorously examine them. There are strong reasons to prefer the Volturi to their absence (beyond their ability and inclination to murder those who think otherwise), and arguments against utilitarianism (I'm thinking of the Utility Monster here) demonstrably apply for vampires. Eating humans might be the most moral thing to do, from the utilitarian perspective. And counterarguments against that could also apply to animals- why don't the Cullens have a ranch and drink the blood of their animals instead of hunting? Among other justifications, that's already an accepted practice in some lactose-intolerant parts of Africa.
And so if the fic's Bella sets on a violent path than requires risking her most cherished desires to achieve political goals she hasn't fully examined, should we really call her rational or luminous? And if this a morality play where she does everything wrong and learns the error of her ways too late, why write that?
Yeah, Archangel's a fine place to start, although it's a little hard to say in what order you ought to read the angel books because they were written out of chronological order.
I actually explicitly address this one in the fic. I'm starting to doubt that you've been paying much attention.
Anyway, my point isn't that Bella does everything wrong, or that she isn't really luminous or smart or rational. She made mistakes, which stemmed more or less directly from flaws in her personality, and bad things happened.