I've heard that one before (that I have weird issues for a person with suicidal thoughts. Even that I'm maybe even lying to myself... that I'm not actually suicidal.)

Well, I wouldn't say that, after all everyone has their own peculiarity. Perhaps your brain is compartimentalizing suicide and survival instincts, and you're switching between the two. We still understand so very little about the brain and its diseases nobody can be really sure.