Firstly, I would like to say that I really enjoyed this post, and hope to see more like it!
It seems to me that (sane) MRA's and (sane) feminists should be natural allies. The "generic" version of feminism officially points to gender equality (NOT female supremacy), and feminists have previously allied with the LGBT movement, and racial suffrage (though that alliance went south when one group got suffrage before the other), and taken other social justice fights on as well.
As a sane feminist, I was happy to discover sane MRA type sites such as ozy's No Seriously, What About teh Menz?, and the over-arching The Good Men Project. These sites opened my eyes to the valid concerns of the MRA movement, such as issues regarding male rape, child custody, and the censure and unavailability of feminine style toys (dolls, dresses, EZ Bake Ovens, etc) for little boys.
These issues fit perfectly into my gender egalitarian style of feminism, and I thought that if it weren't for the bad blood between the two sides, that feminists should/would have taken up these particular issues the same way they often pick up other social justice issues.
The problem is that, (pulling numbers out of the ai...
Perhaps instead of being "(sane) feminist" or "(sane) MRA", the sane gender-issues people should all just call themselves "Gender Egalitarians".
Unfortunately, this label already seems to be undergoing the same connotation creep that quickly happened to "Race realism" and is about to happen to "Human Biodiversity". Both of those are - justly or not - suspected to be cover labels that racists adopted when the old "Scientific Racism" became disreputable, so now many people with "mainstream" views on racial differences equate the three.
From what I've read of MRA discussions, some of them are definitely trying to trade the label for "Gender Egalitarianism", which they position as neutral or hostile to all kinds of feminism - so, as dumb and ridiculous as this might be, the words "gender egalitarian" might acquire a connotation of "feminist-hater", or simply "misogynist".
(Great post btw!)
However, the men's rights movement is not so large. Say only 1.5% of males are MRAs. This means that 2/3 of their movement is the insane 1%, and only 1/3 are sane. The MRA movement is not large enough to contain the crazy 1% while still remaining overall sane. So MOST MRA stuff out there is the insane stuff.
Even if there's a much larger proportion of sane, reasonable MRAs to start with, if the proportion of crazy ones is high enough, the reasonable ones are liable to start distancing themselves from the movement to avoid being tarred by association, increasing the proportion of crazy ones identifying with the movement. This is exactly why I personally exercise a great deal of caution in letting anyone know that I sympathize with the movement at all.
What was the proportion of sane feminists in those days when the feminism was new?
I am not asking how many sane women agreed with the proposed women rights, but what kind of women was the first to publicly self-identify with the label, and do something that drew attention to them.
Looking at the Wikipedia article on "Suffragette", I read about "setting fire to mailbox contents, smashing windows and occasionally detonating bombs". Imagine what would be the public opinion about MRA movement if the first MRAs did this, if merely expressing their opinions impolitely on internet is enough to label them as insane.
Most sane men do not join MRA movement because, honestly, most men don't give a shit about other men in general. We often see each other as competitors, and we focus on our jobs and families, and a few friends. A man usually becomes a MRA activist when something bad happens to him personally. Now of course such person is extremely prone to mindkilling; that should not be surprising.
There were feminists who said that all men are rapists, or that in a perfect world 90% of men would disappear from the planet... and they are still considered a legitimate part of t...
and they are still considered a legitimate part of the movement which is supposedly not against men, but for fairness, equality, and everything good.
Well, these days, more feminists are inclined to do whatever they can to marginalize them, claim that they're not "real" feminists, or that they flat out do not exist. Yvain discussed this in a very interesting livejournal post
I think that “feminism” is a very counter-intuitive label for that memeplex (imagine anti-racism was called “blackism”), and that that might have contributed to people misunderstanding what (‘sane’) feminists are about. (In Italian it's even worse -- sexism is usually called maschilismo, so people assume femminismo is reverse sexism, and even use it as a slur against people they perceive to be misandrist, and MRAs call themselves anti-femministi.)
As a sane feminist, I was happy to discover sane MRA type sites such as ozy's No Seriously, What About teh Menz?, and the over-arching The Good Men Project.
Me too. I'm pleasantly surprised to find out that there are people who can discuss certain issues with extremely low levels of mind-killing, which made me change my mind about what I wrote earlier. (Well, this too.)
I wish I could upvote this more than once; it aligns neatly with several things I've been wanting to say for months but haven't found a chance to. There's just a couple things I'd like to add.
First, I suspect the relatively small size of the MRA sphere distorts outsiders' perception of it in ways other than making hateful personalities proportionally more common. Specifically, it's too small and too new for well-developed sub-movements to be self-sustaining: there are identifiable tendencies (compare the average comment on Spearhead to the average on Owning Your Shit [ETA: or not; see below]), but there's far more cross-posting between them than on comparable feminist sites, and I'd attribute this directly to feminism's far greater age, size, and level of development as an ideology. Since not a few prolific cross-posters fall into the "hater" category, and since offensive comments are always going to be disproportionately salient to readers, this ends up tarring the whole community.
But that's just a perception thing, more or less. Even if a viable egalitarian-looking men's advocacy programme manages to magic itself into existence, I think problems might be still cause...
I was happy to discover sane MRA type sites such as ozy's No Seriously, What About teh Menz?, and the over-arching The Good Men Project.
Since when are "No Seriously, What About teh Menz?", and "The Good Men Project" MRA sites?
Since when are "No Seriously, What About teh Menz?", and "The Good Men Project" MRA sites?
I believe those are the sites where I learned about men's rights issues such as male rape, child custody, etc, so I put them under the MRA umbrella, though they may not identify themselves that way (probably due to not wanting to be tarred with the same brush as the insanity)
If you DON'T think that those sites are MRA, then I would update towards ALL MRA to be of the insane kind, since those sites are the only ones I've seen on that side that I consider to be sane. (Though I welcome links to the contrary)
The MRA label very quickly became stabilized as an antifeminist identifier, such that I'd guess "male ally" and "MRA" are almost perfectly exclusive self-descriptors. But the intension of MRA as a typical self-descriptor and as you've been using it may not perfectly cohere either, so this may not be a "real" update that you're forced into.
I had been reading "men's rights" as "you care about the rights of men, and male-specific gender issues", NOT as "you don't like feminism."
It's probably worth remembering that names are not catalog numbers that facilitate filing into categories. Attempting to reverse-engineer a compound noun phrase by looking only at its parts will often swing you wide of the actual target.
In my view, these are not MRA issues. These are feminist issues. There doesn't need to be a "Men's Rights Movement"; because men's rights should be an inherent component of the feminist perspective, which is that femininity should be nurtured and encouraged instead of being stamped out. Whether a feminine [i.e., nurturing, compassionate, cooperative and socially-conscious] personality happens to bud within a body with a vagina or a penis should be irrelevant.
Personally, I think the idea that being nurturing, compassionate, and socially conscious, are inherently feminine and thus the natural province of feminism, is just as unreasonable and offensive as saying that courage and proactiveness are inherently masculine and therefore causes like getting more women involved in the military or police work are naturally not the province of feminism.
I would agree that there was no need for a Men's Rights Movement if there were a Gender Egalitarianism Movement that reliably functioned as such, but feminists do not reliably support addressing all issues of gender inequality. I think most people would agree that women are, on net, more societally disadvantaged than men, but from t...
Whether a feminine [i.e., nurturing, compassionate, cooperative and socially-conscious] personality happens to bud within a body with a vagina or a penis should be irrelevant.
I can see where you're coming from here, but I think that the work should instead be put into broadening masculinity. To make a loaded analogy, saying "it's okay for boys to act feminine" when they want to do something traditionally female is like saying "it's okay for black people to act white" when they want to do something traditionally european. You can define the words so that the sentence parses, but you can't remove the additional meaning to make the sentence a good idea.
Besides, it's fine to use different words to describe people focused on different things, even if they use the same toolbox.
Once you describe "feminine" as "nurturing, compassionate, cooperative and socially-conscious" and define feminism as a movement to protect all things feminine, I think you have gone far beyond what most people mean by either word.
As Eugine_Nier just stated, it isn't the feminists who want to place "nurturing, compassionate, cooperative and socially-conscious" solely within the label "feminine."
If we could stop labeling virtues by sex, that would be a definite improvement.
In other words, traditionalists deny men the right/obligation to be nurturing, compassionate, cooperative and socially-conscious - exactly like feminists always say. Lol.
Using feminism to refer to issue's of men's rights is like using the phrase white power to refer to issue's about african american rights. Whatever argument you then make about broadening the meaning of the term is obviously and instantly undermined by the linguistic problems present.
Also: a LOT of people use feminism to mean "more rights for women and who cares about men?". Your more broad species of feminism is inclusive almost to the point of being meaningless. It's like using the word feminism to mean "good".
I think most people would agree that Scenario B is ideal. Unfortunately, many modern conversations about social justice look more like Scenario A. It's common, for instance, for members of different groups to argue about who has it worse.
This failure mode is often deliberately induced, as part of a larger process called derailing. For example:
A: "I feel, as someone with a mental disability, that it is often difficult for me to have my desires and feelings respected by others."
B: "LOL first world problems. Look at children in Africa and then tell me how bad you have it."
C: "Brother, us C-types have had it far worse than you A-types for far longer. Wait your damn turn."
D: "I think that your A-typeness gives you too much privilege to be complaining about people disrespecting your desires and feelings, and us D-types experience exactly the same rejection of our perspectives far more acutely than you ever will."
At which point, A can try to show how their complaints are valid in comparison (which immediately buys into the "who has it worse" misery poker), or A can simply restate "nevertheless, I feel that my desires and feelin...
B: "LOL first world problems. Look at children in Africa and then tell me how bad you have it."
Forgive me, but I actually think there's a somewhat valid argument to be made along these lines. After having the thoughts that this post outlines, my response to social justice arguments are now something like "Oh, someone's preferences aren't being achieved. Well, I can't please everyone all of the time, but I'll try to keep their preferences in mind." Doing stuff beyond changing my own behavior does have opportunity costs, and part of the reason I shared these thoughts is because once I had them, they allowed me to spend less cognitive bandwidth thinking about social justice issues (while also decreasing my overall resistance to hearing others' complaints).
In the US, people often complain about how "special interest" or "lobbying" groups have so much influence on the government. Special interest groups work to achieve the preferences of US citizens, but they tend to work towards achieving the preferences of small groups of citizens that have really strong preferences. If a large group of citizens shares a weaker preference, or is poorly coordinated, it's less likely they'll have a powerful special interest group. In the same way, I'd prefer not to devote my time and energy to problems just because they involve group conflicts and are inherently interesting for that reason. Currently I estimate that there are more efficient ways for me to manufacture utility.
The validity of the argument depends on context. Sometimes it is: "sorry, I can't help you now, because all my resources go to higher-priority cases". Sometimes it is: "meh, I don't care... but I can use a comparison with this other case (that I am not really contributing to) to make you seem pathetic".
In other words, if someone says: "I don't care about your problems, the children in Africa have it worse", and the person does contribute to a charity for African children, then the response is valid (although we could discuss the optimum way to say the same message).
If someone says: "I don't care about your problems, the children in Africa have it worse", and the person does nothing to help children in Africa (or anyone else), then it's just a convenient excuse and a move to gain relative status at the other person's expense.
Forgive me, but I actually think there's a somewhat valid argument to be made along these lines.
Of course it is. But so is "children in Africa have it really bad, so why are you bothering to buy Christmas presents instead of helping them?"
Unfortunately, past a certain point it just comes down to "hey, can we try being less of a dick to each other all the time?", which everyone can agree with but which no one actually seems to be able to resolve into actual strategy.
Political egalitarianism tends to be concerned with socially contestible dimensions of power, rather than just the unequal distribution of anything that might make someone happy. This is why height isn't particularly politicized and the (hard) left tends to be hostile to charity or positive thinking.
I haven't studied anti-racists in general. I've seen some trends I don't like (setting up prejudice against white people in general and white men in particular, claiming that the pain unprivileged people feel must always trump the pain they cause to privileged people-- I get especially suspicious if that's accompanied by being enthusiastic about eventually getting a demographic win), but I don't know whether that sort of thing will turn out to be the major result of anti-racism.
I've seen some moderation of the excesses I saw during RaceFail (less "Educate yourself!" as educational materials were developed, more realization that allies are useful for talking with people in their own groups who don't listen to Others, and less of a habit of dumping rage). I honestly don't know what the long run is going to look like.
The weird thing is, when I posted about "we ought to be in charge!" I was thinking about people who aren't anti-racists-- in fact I very specifically had Nazis in mind for the second bunch, and was just being a bit coy.
The general trend of my thinking (the question was pretty fuzzy at my end, which may explain part of why my comment seems to have been a Rorschach blot) was to wonder whether there'd been a historical shift in the reasons for trying to change hierarchies.
Robin Hanson has wondered why folks seem concerned about inequality based on some stuff, like race, gender, sexuality, ethnicity, and disability, but not other stuff, like height, appearance, intelligence, sleep, conscientiousness, and perhaps most importantly, happiness.
My explanation: Race, gender, sexuality, ethnicity, and disability are fairly discrete ways of classifying people. Most people (though not all) can be categorized fairly neatly in to a single race, birth gender, desired gender, and sexual orientation. By contrast, looks, smarts, and happiness all vary in a continuous fashion. For some/all of these characteristics, there's a bell curve--many people in the middle and fewer people at the extremes.
How would wealth or income inequality relate to this? Wealth and income are clearly not a discrete group, but a large number of people are very concerned about wealth and income inequality.
Wealth and income are clearly not a discrete group
People certainly act like they are. Folks who want to diffuse concerns about income equality often deny the existence of classes in America, while those who want to raise concerns recently divided the entire country into 2 discrete groups (the 1% and the 99%).
I'm not sure if this goes for or against the hypothesis though. If it's that easy to draw arbitrary lines, then the continuous nature of traits like height shouldn't be much of a barrier to being concerned about it.
Perhaps a perception that other people got their money through factional conflict makes one more likely to solve the problem using a factional conflict. People are more likely to use violence if they feel the violence was used against them.
Examples:
Some people don't work and yet get money, because some philanthropist gives them? Not my problem.
Some people don't work and yet get money, because they organized against me successfully and made government take my money and give it to them as welfare? Fuck them! I want a government that stops this!
Some people have billions, because they have put a lot of time and hard work to their projects, or they have an extraordinary talent? Not my problem.
Some people have billions, because they organized against me successfully and made government take my money and give it to them as subsidies and bailouts? Fuck them! I want a government that stops this!
Perhaps this is just my thinking, but I feel a desire to go to conflicts in cases of self-defense. In case someone is already attacking me and winning, not fighting back does not seem like a winning option. The dichotomy is not "lazy" versus "diligent", but "attack...
At one point, the (male) professor said something like "But beyond all this, women are just better than men, and I think we all know it." This offended me, and I fumed to myself internally, thinking that if he'd made the opposite claim he'd probably get in trouble with the administration of the college, etc.
He probably offended the feminists too. See feminists' reaction to Roger Ebert's "Women Are Better Than Men" column.
I suspect the feeling that things are unfair and I deserve more is just a signal for me to take stuff from others, in the same way hunger is a signal for me to eat stuff.
Not at all surprising and something I consider incredibly obvious, but on second thought it might not seem obvious at all.
Generally I become much more willing to defect against others when I think things are "unfair", especially if I perceive those around me as being "unfair" towards me. Does anyone recall any studies that might be related to this?
My explanation: Race, gender, sexuality, ethnicity, and disability are fairly discrete ways of classifying people. Most people (though not all) can be categorized fairly neatly in to a single race, birth gender, desired gender, and sexual orientation. By contrast, looks, smarts, and happiness all vary in a continuous fashion. For some/all of these characteristics, there's a bell curve--many people in the middle and fewer people at the extremes.
In many societies around the world race is continuous. Yet racism and anti-racism seem to have many of the s...
BTW, looks like shorter people live longer, so height inequality may actually favor shorter folks on balance.
From the link:
The authors suggest that the differences in longevity between the sexes is due to their height differences because men average about 8.0% taller than women and have a 7.9% lower life expectancy at birth.
Is this a correlation/causation thing?
I appreciate the hat-tip, but you might have wanted to link to the more thorough explication of that chapter from Collins' book, which Hanson discussed here.
EDIT: Some of what you quoted is in my comment you linked originally, and not in my follow-up post. Hope nobody got confused when they weren't able to find those quotes.
Why does so much inter-factional conflict focus on issues of inequality?
Because complaining about "inequality" is currently high status.
Throughout much of recorded human history there were almost no complaints about inequality even though inequality was much worse then.
I also find it amusing how all the people, who normally complain that evolutionary psychologists don't take into account cultural differences, are offering gushing praise when confronted with ev-psych of which that is actually an accurate criticism.
Apparently, a really stupid definition.
When I've heard experts talk about about the differences between ancient slavery and antebellum slavery, "chattel slavery" was used exclusively to refer to the latter - which was also described as harsher (measured by the difference between slave and typical underclass).
But I can't find any cites to support my previous understanding of the difference between ancient and antebellum slavery. Adjusting beliefs accordingly.
I think the rhetoric of reducing inequality is merely an attempt to communicate the shared self-interest of the members.
This is not the only rhetoric that can do this job and historically wasn't the only one (or even the most common one used). You may want to look into the works of Confucius and the theory of the mandate of heaven for an example of an alternate theory of social organization and rebellion.
Consider that concerns over fairness may be nothing more or less than a defensive heuristic. Very high inequality is invariably a product of force, fraud or both. Individuals who are genuinely contributing many times the norm to the common veal are far more rare than thieves, conmen and robbers. (and mostly do not care overly much about riches, save as a means to an end) Thus, when society as a whole is highly unequal, - IE: When there are many, many persons claiming that they deserve the income of an Edison going "Eh.. Someone is being robbed blind here, and it is quite likely to be me" is perfectly sensible.
Small terminology gripe on the fifth paragraph - "men's rights activist" is, as far as I know, that group's nomenclature of choice, while very few feminists would self-identify as "radical". Comes off as slightly non-neutral.
Radical feminism is a fairly specific theoretical tradition with which people do in fact self-identify, not just the condition of being really really feminist.
"Radical" in feminist parlance isn't a judgment call or a marker of extremism -- it describes a particular school of thought, one which favors overturning existing gender dynamics rather than incrementally changing or working within them. I've met several self-identified radical feminists.
When people complain about inequality it concerns me that perhaps they are the same kind of people who self-handicap and by consequence are less able to resolve that inequality by raising the standards of wealth of the poor. Thought's aren't facts!
"But beyond all this, women are just better than men, and I think we all know it." This offended me, and I fumed to myself internally
What I would have thought instead of getting offended is that it is a tautology issue. If you take the preferences of men into account, by those values men are clearly not worse at doing whatever men like. The professor was probably working from the assumption that everybody agrees with an already feminine value system, and from that angle men are rather obviously worse at implementing those values.
A feminine va...
My explanation: Race, gender, sexuality, ethnicity, and disability are fairly discrete ways of classifying people.
Other potential explanations:
These groups of people have more vocal interest groups, because whatever disadvantages they suffer are seen as the result of formerly much higher disadvantages. So, heightism does not seem to have been huge in the past, not bigger than today while when the mentally ill were imprisoned and so on it created as huge stigma that is still affecting them.
I don't like the idea of being labeled a "political blogger" (I don't think I wrote anything about the election or its run-up), but it's hard to deny that politics is discussed a lot at my blog and I don't really have any other forte I could claim to displace it. I could defend myself by linking to Razib Khan on how many of the "science" blogs on his old blogroll spend most of their time discussing politics (generally, politically inflected atheism), but for one who accepts "politics is the mind-killer" that's just a "but they do it too". The post you link to could be construed as "sociological" rather than "political" and would be relevant in an alternate universe without politics.
One of the things complaining is not, is a passive noting that certain things are bad. It's way of doing something. Rational complainers complain about thing they can affect, which tend to be relatively small scale and close to home.
Another thing complaints about inequality are not is a substitute for threatening or grabbing. Those who have the power to grab, grab, those who can issue plausible threats do so. Complaints about inequality are part of a process of rationally discussing resource allocation, and can lead to reallocations that are preferable eth...
Robin Hanson has wondered why folks seem concerned about inequality based on some stuff, like race, gender, sexuality, ethnicity, and disability, but not other stuff, like height, appearance, intelligence, sleep, conscientiousness, and perhaps most importantly, happiness.
My explanation: Race, gender, sexuality, ethnicity, and disability are fairly discrete ways of classifying people. Most people (though not all) can be categorized fairly neatly in to a single race, birth gender, desired gender, and sexual orientation. By contrast, looks, smarts, and happiness all vary in a continuous fashion. For some/all of these characteristics, there's a bell curve--many people in the middle and fewer people at the extremes.
Why should this matter? One of the things that comes up a lot on this blog is how irrational people tend to get when talking about politics. For a really rousing political argument, you need group identification--hence the Greens and the Blues in Eliezer's original politics essay. How would that essay be different if everyone was a different shade of turquoise, somewhere on a continuum between blue and green?
Or here's another thought experiment: Instead of height varying in a continuous fashion, everyone in society is either a Tall or a Short. Just like in the real world, taller people tend to make more money and assume more leadership roles, but instead of saying "he got the job because he's taller", people would say "he got the job because he's a Tall". How well do you think society would handle this? (BTW, looks like shorter people live longer, so height inequality may actually favor shorter folks on balance.)
Speculation on factional conflict and social distance
The hypotheses I'm advancing here is that an argument between, say, a radical feminist and a men's rights activist, is not all that different in kind from an argument between a Democrat and a Republican, an Israeli and a Palestinian, or a Hutu and a Tutsi. (Regarding gender in particular: factional conflicts may be harder to spot when almost every human is a member of one relevant faction or another. There's no big, neutral third party to say stuff like "wow, this is getting kinda out of hand".)
Why do people think about competing factions this way? Well, humans are social animals that evolved to live in tribes. Much hunter-gatherer violence was inter-tribal.
The more iterated a prisoner's dilemma is, the more it makes sense to lean towards cooperation. Dilemmas between fellow tribe members would be highly iterated; dilemmas between tribes less so. Additionally, people of different factions would likely have lower genetic similarity--note family feuds, for example.
The below XKCD comic illustrates what I suspect may be a resulting fact about human nature: we're less likely to have friendly, empathetic feelings for those who seem distant or abstract.
More evidence for this idea:
Speculation on equality and fairness
Why does so much inter-factional conflict focus on issues of inequality? Robin Hanson's guess: "our distant ancestors got into the habit of complaining about inequality of transferable assets with a tribe, as a way to coordinate a veiled threat to take those assets if they were not offered freely." I'm not sure agree with this 100%. I suspect that inequality between tribes (e.g. over access to salt, as mentioned in War Before Civilization) may have been a bigger issue than within-tribe inequality. And "veiled threat" doesn't seem quite right--I suspect the feeling that things are unfair and I deserve more is just a signal for me to take stuff from others, in the same way hunger is a signal for me to eat stuff. (Yes, many of us modern humans are generally pretty good about suppressing this "things are unfair" instinct, but that doesn't mean our ancestors were.)
To replicate one's genes, it's useful to have certain things like food, water, and respect. But there's not always an unlimited supply of this stuff, and the only way to get more of it may be to get others to give it to you. You could forcefully demand all of it, but if there's more than one person doing that, you're liable to trigger an expensive fight (or lose your credibility for making forceful demands). Additionally, demanding all of a resource will trigger fiercer resistance from others, who really need at least some of it. Demanding that you get one Nth of some important resource, where N is the number of people fighting over the resource, is a strategy that won't cause you to come in to conflict with others doing the same.
Equitable distribution doesn't necessarily maximize collective utility, however. A world where the supply of disposable diapers was distributed equitably would have substantially less utility than the current world, where disposable diapers are concentrated in the hands of people who have young children.
From fairness to empathy
Pat and Jesse are roommates. Pat enjoys doing something that also happens to annoy Jesse. Consider the following two scenarios:
Scenario A: Jesse asserts a right to not be annoyed. Pat responds by accusing Jesse of being oversensitive and asserts a right to continue with the activity.
Scenario B: Jesse shares preferences. Pat shares preferences. They work together to find the solution that satisfies their collective preferences maximally. This solution could involve a behavioral change on Pat's part, a behavioral change on Jesse's part, some combination, or Jesse just learning to live with the activity. Throughout their discussion, they make it clear to each other that they respect and like one another and care about each others' preferences. They don't worry too much about who is "giving in" or "making a concession", and are careful to make requests rather than demands.
I think most people would agree that Scenario B is ideal. Unfortunately, many modern conversations about social justice look more like Scenario A. It's common, for instance, for members of different groups to argue about who has it worse. This seems like a failure mode for a number of reasons:
This dialogue may be better than nothing, just because preferences do end up getting communicated. But I think we can improve on it. In particular, listening to other peoples' preferences seems pretty key for priming cooperative, friendly behavior and getting them to consider yours. "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." (Note: This can be tough.)
To give a concrete example: Maybe women have a preference for not being objectified sexually that men don't share. Men can respect and work to achieve that preference even if they don't share it--empathy over fairness!
Of course, if priming cooperative behavior fails to work, continued loud complaining may be optimal. Sometimes cycles of defection can't be broken.
Non-ideal brains
Several years ago, I was taking a political science class and the professor was discussing feminism. At one point, the (male) professor said something like "But beyond all this, women are just better than men, and I think we all know it." This offended me, and I fumed to myself internally, thinking that if he'd made the opposite claim he'd probably get in trouble with the administration of the college, etc.
You may already have an opinion on this issue, thinking that either I should not have gotten offended or the professor should not have made his statement. But lets look through this issue through the Pat and Jesse lens. I have a preference for people to respect me, and for me not to feel angry and offended. There are a few different ways for these preferences to be achieved. There's not necessarily a "right" way. Preferences about my misfiring fairness neurons are preferences like any others. (I'm living in a first-world country that's the product of thousands of years of technological development. I've got all the food I want. In theory, grabbing even more resources shouldn't be a very high priority, but my brain still wants to do it. Hence the "misfiring" allegation against my neurons.)
Unfortunately, we all have these unwanted instincts. I think it makes sense to try to avoid activating the instincts in both yourself and others. I'm glad that saying "People of Group X suck" is considered worse than saying "You suck"--Western society has developed some useful memetic antibodies to nip inter-factional conflicts in the bud.
Thanks to HughRistik for offering feedback on this post.