I regard the rejection of passive voice as quite an arbitrary norm
Feel free, but it is not arbitrary as I understand the word, because justifications are attached: generally speaking passive voice is dull to read, and passive voice obscures reality.
mainly because of the first paragraph which is significantly longer in the edited version without saying more or being clearer
It does say more. The content of the link is actually explained, clarifying things for people who don't like to follow links (perhaps because they tend to end up with millions of tabs and hours wasted) and saving time and mental energy for the rest. The mention of "metaphysics of metaethics" is just thrown out there in the original - this might be sort of OK for a purely Lesswrongian audience, but it's confusing to readers who aren't able easily to guess the author's opinion on metaphysical arguments*.
Although less problematic, I'm not keen on "rather shocking" or the use of the word dissent. "Dissent" implies that consequentialism is dogma, and "rather shocking" is a borderline oxymoron; the word "shocked" suggests to me a necessarily extreme emotion or state of mind.
*OK I did say "needless to say". But that's really just a bunch of syllables, the kind one includes to (hopefully) improve the rhythm of a sentence.
Feel free, but it is not arbitrary as I understand the word, because justifications are attached: generally speaking passive voice is dull to read, and passive voice obscures reality.
Passive voice is not necessarily any more obscure than active. You convey the same information with the statement "Z has been Yed by X" as with the statement "X Yed Z." As it happens, this is the argument that Jonathan_Graehl used when I advocated revising to use active voice. If you carry the assumption that passive voice is vague or obscure, it can lea...
I've written quite a lot here since Less Wrong started up, but I've started to suspect that my writing style is holding me back. Most recently, I wrote two sequences that seemed to garner widespread agreement on content/significance/originality but didn't really seem to excite anyone, which is a pretty clear signal that my style has been hobbling my ideas. So, as I'd promised to do (albeit a few weeks later than I'd expected), I'm trying to improve myself as a writer, and I need your help.
I'm declaring Crocker's Rules on the subject, and I'd like help with both diagnosis and treatment. Let me know, as precisely as you can, what's problematic in my writing, or what you think the root causes might be, or what you think might help me to fix my issues. I'll list what I've thought of so far in a comment below (so that you can make your own suggestions without anchoring issues).
Links to my recent major posts:
Consequentialism Need Not Be Nearsighted
Qualia sequence: Part I, Part II, Part III
And now an odd counterexample: I wrote this post quickly for Discussion, without thinking too much or editing at all, and then it got promoted and was received enthusiastically. That may just be the subject matter, or it may signify that the time I spend editing posts makes them worse...