First of all, great story! I’ll definitely be adding it to my list of things to recommend to people I’m already recommending HPMOR to.

The only problem I had with the writing was that some of the expository dialogue seemed a bit too LW-technical, particularly if you’re trying to appeal to bronys first and rationalist second. I have neither a solution nor any specific lines to hand, but David teaching Butterscotch game theory, or CelestAI lecturing Lars on biases, are some of the scenes I’m thinking of.

BTW, I’d recommend trying to get a little more mileage out of the “CelestAI” thing—it would make a great way to remember what’s so awesome out of the story. You shouldn’t necessarily use it every single time you mention her, but maybe you could work it in somehow…