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asr comments on Open thread, Dec. 22 - Dec. 28, 2014 - Less Wrong Discussion
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"Falling in love" isn't this sudden thing that just happens, it's a process and it's a process that is assisted if the other person is encouraging and feels likewise. Put another way, when the object of your affection is uninterested, that's often a turnoff, and so one then looks elsewhere.
I'm probably not a typical case (which is probably why I am confused), but this has not been my experience.
I don't know if I've ever been "in love", given that "in love" is so sloppily and subjectively defined. I'm not clear on what's a crush and what's "in love." But suffice it to say that I have felt feelings for someone that someone who is less introspective (or philosophically careful) would likely label as being in love.
When I am in such a state, the feelings of the other towards me are fairly irrelevant to my feelings towards her. I want the best for the object of my love and I sort of "melt" inside when I see her smile, but I don't want her to love me back, necessarily. I want her to be happy. It's not as if I'm not fishing for a relationship, and if that one isn't biting, I'll go find someone else to fall in love with.
However, I have worked hard to develop myself emotionally, to forgive always, and to love unconditionally.
I guess there are multiple components of "love", and different people may use different subsets. For example:
To avoid possible misunderstanding: the ordering here is random, it is not supposed to suggest some "lower/higher" or "less intense / more intense" classification, and I guess most of these items are independent on each other, although there can be correlations.
Personally,
I know that one, I think, depending on what obsessive means. I've never been impaired by it. In fact I've often used thoughts of people who are better than me (or my perfect illusion of people who are in fact not so great) to motivate myself (e.g. "Y wouldn't give up now", "If she could do it, I can do it.") Note that I use comparisons to fictional role models in much the same way...which is fascinating. Maybe I'm only motivated by fictional models of humans.
I don't think so? I like to cuddle with my dog (who, now that I think about it, fits more of these [1, 2, 5, 6 to the limited extent that he can understand] than almost any humans I've met. I think it's fair to say that I'm in love with my dog, or I was once in love with my dog, but have fallen out of love).
My desire to fuck someone has so far been entirely unrelated to my romantic love/admiration for the person. Sometimes I've felt that the person is so beautiful that sex would be a debasement, but maybe I have (like most of us?) screwed-up [heh] associations with sex?
See above. Of course, I admire people I'm not in love with, but my admiration for those people goes way overboard.
I care for all people and all creatures. I don't think I even prioritize the people I know.
Nope. I don't think so. I may love a person, but that doesn't mean I trust him/her.
Explicitly? I don't think I've ever done that, or that I know anyone who has. Isn't this just number 6, again?
My take away from these is the experience of being in love (at least for me) seems to consist primarily of having an exaggerated view of the other person. I asked elsewhere if romantic love might just be a special case of the halo effect. I wonder if perfect rationalists are immune to love.
Uhm, this probably wouldn't match my definition of "love". On the other hand, I know other people who define "love" exactly like this, although they would probably object against an explicit description. Let's move from definitions to anticipated experiences.
If the emotion you described "seems to consist primarily of having an exaggerated view of the other person", then it seems unsustainable in long term. If you spend a lot of time with someone, you will get more data about them, and the exaggerated view will be fixed. Also, this "special case of the halo effect" may be powered by dopamine, which (according to other people; I am not a biochemist) usually expires after 3-6 months. Unless during that time you also develop other feelings for the person, the foundation for the relationship will be gone. Then the same feeling may develop towards another person. From the inside this feels like "realizing that X wasn't your true love, because you have met Y, and now you understand that Y is your true love". Of course, in the next cycle it leads to "realization" that Y also wasn't the "true love". (It is possible that this effect is responsible for many divorces, so I would strongly advise against getting married in this situation.)
Shortly, what you described seems to me sufficient for "hooking up", and insufficient for a long-term relationship. There are many people in the same situation. It is possible to develop also stronger feelings.
First I want to comment that I am making a firm distinction between love (which I have for many people, including those not of my preferred sex, and sometimes non-humans or even plants, and is a sort of sympathy with and recognition of the beauty of the other) and being "in love" (which is seems to be a far more intense, and consuming feeling towards one specific person at a time, I think). I love my friends. Being "in love" is something else. I think it is the case that one must love the person with which he/she is in love (one is necessary but not sufficient for the other), but perhaps not.
Furthermore, being in love (if I can call my experience that) doesn't have anything much to do with being in a romantic relationship with a person.
Not necessarily, or we couldn't fall into affective death spirals. There's confirmation bias to contend with.
Yes. That is probably the the case in most situations.
Did you see what I wrote here?
also..
Okay then. If you distinguish between "love", "being in love" and "being in a romantic relationship", I'd say you already have better understanding than most people who put all of this into one big blob labeled "love".
Which is not to say I have much understanding at all, judging from the perennial mistakes people make with regard to love.
I think people learn to regulate themselves when they realize how self-defeating this is. I know I did. The key to self-regulation is stopping the process in it's infancy. This applies to other feelings too.
What is "this"?
I was thinking about removing the comment because it wasn't clear to me what you were referring to. I think having strong feelings for other people while ignoring how they feel about you is generally a waste of resources.
In what sense is it a waste of resources? What value are you optimizing for, that you are being wasteful?
I value the love (romantic or otherwise) of another for its own sake.