I think we need to separate complaints of the "what you did was not against the rules but it still hurt me" and "you violated the rules, and hurt me through that".

The second complaint is very powerful. The first one requires high amounts of compassion in the other person to work.

I mean, extrinsic motivation replaces intrinsic motivation. This means, while with a complete lack of rules people may - may - be compassionate, if Behavior No. 11 is forbidden under threat of punishment because it hurts others, then people will care more about that it is forbidden and they can get punished for, rather than about the hurt it causes to others. For example the fact that rape carries heavy prison sentences reduces compassion for rape victims: see victim-blaming and related behaviors. It simply turns the discussion away from "Does Jill feel hurt from what John did?" towards "Is John really evil enough for five years in prison?" and then if not, then it is so easy write off Jill's hurt.

But the catch is, if Behavior No. 11b is sufficiently similar but not expressly forbidden, the rule and punishment for Behavior No. 11 may still prevent compassion towards its victims, even in people who would have compassion towards the victims of behavior that are entirely unregulated.

And that is how it requires extraordinary compassion to give a damn about "what you did was not against the rules but still it hurt me". Modern societies are so strongly regulated by both law and social pressure that almost any kind of hurt will at least resemble a different hurt that is forbidden hence the intrinsic compassionate motivation lost.

And that is why people who are not extremely compassionate give no damn about e.g. accusations of misgendering. It sounds roughly like the rules of politeness learned in childhood i.e. you will address the neighbor as "good morning Mr. Smith" not "hi old fart" or get punished. Since this sounds similar, but there is no such actual rule that is enforced, not extremely compassionate people do not care much.