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ChristianKl comments on Open thread, Apr. 01 - Apr. 05, 2015 - Less Wrong Discussion

5 Post author: MrMind 31 March 2015 10:06AM

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Comment author: CronoDAS 31 March 2015 07:11:28PM *  8 points [-]

I have a small problem. My girlfriend (that I've been with for almost a year, and hope to be with for more years to come) has something of a New Age/unscientific worldview, which I find slightly disturbing, but I don't know how to attempt to "convert" her to something, well, less wrong, without upsetting her or making her feel stupid or something like that, or even how to react to her talking about her more "unusual" experiences.

A trivial example: She once mentioned that a certain kind of stone (it may have been hematite) had "healing powers". I expressed vague skepticism but didn't press the issue any further.

More seriously, my girlfriend has told me stories about seeing and interacting with "spirits", although she's asked me not to repeat any of them, and I've had to reassure her that no, I don't think she's crazy. For example, she said that whenever she goes to a particular railroad crossing, she always sees a woman riding a bicycle along the tracks that nobody else sees, and that one side of the woman's head looks horribly injured. There's another spirit, which she says reminds her of me, that usually hangs out on the roof outside her second-story window on nights when I'm not there, and sort of stands guard. He's asked to come in, but she says that spirits can't come in if you don't let them and she's always said no, except once when she was in a hotel and he spent the night on the side of the double bed she wasn't sleeping on.

I'm not sure how to react or deal with this. She feels kind of fragile emotionally to me, so I have to tread lightly; her father died when she was seven and her mother died when she was thirteen, and she says she's always afraid people are going to leave her. She also has something of an inferiority complex and is hypersensitive to perceived slights. She worries that, because didn't do well in school, people (including me) will treat her like she's stupid. She's also fat and she thinks it makes her ugly. I, of course, think she's beautiful and sexy, but she doesn't quite believe me when I tell her that.

Any advice? ("Break up with her" will be ignored.)

Comment author: ChristianKl 01 April 2015 11:31:02AM 13 points [-]

Changing someone's world view that's backed up by experiences isn't easy, so it's likely not the best target. Even if you could destroying the fantasy world in which an emotionally fragile person withdraws is no good idea.

I would rather focus on making her feel safe and helping her to be emotionally stable.

But what do you do when she tells you about "unusual" experiences? I would recommend to listen and ask her questions like: "How does it make you feel that the spirit stands guard?", "How does it make you feel to tell me this story?" and "Is there something new in this experience that you didn't experience in the past?"

That can help her order her thoughts. Not focusing on the content but how she feels about the content is likely to help you to listen in a nonjudgemental way because you can be genuinely care about her emotional experience.

If she doesn't do any sports I would encourage her to do some physical activity to get more in touch with her body.

More seriously, my girlfriend has told me stories about seeing and interacting with "spirits", although she's asked me not to repeat any of them

Then repeating them in this way in a public forum is quite a breach of trust.

Comment author: CronoDAS 01 April 2015 10:24:28PM 3 points [-]

But what do you do when she tells you about "unusual" experiences?

Mostly I just listen and reassure her that I don't think she's crazy.

Comment author: Vaniver 02 April 2015 02:30:50PM 5 points [-]

Mostly I just listen and reassure her that I don't think she's crazy.

So, the Litany of Gendlin and Litany of Tarski seem relevant here. If she were actually 'crazy,' in that she experiences vivid hallucinations for physiological reasons, is this how you would want to respond?

To elaborate, is her true question whether or not you trust her senses, or whether she is lovable? If she thinks the two of those are related, is that a belief you can change?

Comment author: ChristianKl 02 April 2015 08:04:38AM 1 point [-]

reassure her that I don't think she's crazy.

I'm not sure how convincingly you can do that.

The best response is likely to lead the conversation to how she feels about those things. If you want more of a script, look up focusing.