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Epictetus comments on Open Thread, May 25 - May 31, 2015 - Less Wrong Discussion
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I'm currently twenty-two years old. Over the last two weeks, I've discussed with a couple friends that among the "millenial" generation, i.e., people currently under the age of thirty-five, people profess having goals for some kind of romantic relationships, but they don't act in a way which will let them achieve those goals. Whether they:
it seems the proportion of young people who are and stay single is greater than I would expect. I don't just mean how the fastest-growing household configuration since the 1980s (in the United States) has been single adults. I mean how most of my friends profess a preference for having some romantic relationship in their life, yet most of my single friends stay single, and don't appear to be dating much or doing something else to correct this. Maybe popular culture exerts a normative social influence which favors people in relationships over single people, and so young single people feel pressured to signal a preference for being in a relationship. However, I can't determine who is just professing fake preferences to signal. It still seems single people aren't seeking or successfully finding relationships at a rate which corresponds well to genuine preferences for a relationship. Why aren't single people trying harder to find relationships?
One answer could be "dating and romance are hard, especially for young people". If that's vaguely true, it doesn't satisfy my curiosity. I think it has in large part to do with the extended adolesence of people born after, e.g., 1980. More committed relationships, higher frequency of dating, and/or marriage seem to people around my age something we're supposed to do more when we're "real adults". That happens some time after you get a "real job". Or after you complete a degree. Or after the age of twenty-five. Something like that.
It also seems dependent upon changes in dating culture in North America. I'm aware there are more hookups and one-night stands among young adults of the current generation than there was for prior generations. In terms of who one settles down with, or marries, people get married at greater ages. I don't know if it's because we young adults are pickier with whom we choose for long-term relationships, or what. This is where I don't know exactly what's going on, so I could use your help. If you (think you) can explain what's going on, please share.
Anyway, what I've concluded so far is that, as someone who doesn't date very much, a sensible strategy would be to date more often and more early to satisfy relationship goals. That is, while many of my generation have similar goals and expectations for dating, relationships and/or marriage compared to previous generations, the styles and culture of such in North America are very different. If young adults wait until their mid-thirties before they start fulfilling long-term relationship goals, it might take longer than they expect, and by that point seeking relationships may cut into time developing other valuable aspects of one's life, such as career. Dating earlier and more frequently allows one to discover what one initially wants in a partner, how to navigate the dating pool and social scenes comfortably, adapt to potential setbacks and heartbreak, and mature.
Now, there are lots of young adults in graduate school, or going through a period of time when prioritizing a romantic relationship wouldn't allow the time and attention to fulfill more immediately important goals. During the period(s) of life when you have downtime, if busy young adults aren't satisfied with being single, I think it makes sense for us to try dating and relationships more, because there may not be as much time and opportunity as we hope later in life. What do you think of this model/strategy?
Most of my friends and acquaintances are committed to long-term relationships (mid-late 20s age group). I've had trouble in this area due to certain personal reasons, but my personal observations lead me to believe that I'm atypical in this regard.
It's possible they just don't know what they're doing or are paralyzed by anxiety when it comes to romance.
Keep in mind that people with good social skills tend to have more friends, so your selector maybe biased in that regard.
Fair point. I'm less likely to encounter people who sit home all day and less likely to socialize with people who aren't social. That would skew my observations somewhat.
Yeah, I've too much underrated observations like this in building my model above. Looking around, at age twenty-two, I notice most of my friends are still single, maybe 40% of them at most have some kind of relationship in any given month, but those relationships aren't stable over the long-term. I thought my model still might hold because I notice other people in my social circle at or around thirty are single, too. However, single people could select themselves to hang out with other single people. People closer to thirty than twenty who are single may be unusual in that they're more likely to hang out with people a few years younger than them, who are more likely to be single than not. So, the only young adults near 30 I'm observing are the ones who are hanging out with younger folk closer to 20 or 25.
I fell prey to confirmation bias here. I had no observations of social circles which are predominantly 25-35, rather than 20-30, which might be lousy with long-term relationships. Maybe this is happening at fondue parties or something, which I and my friends never hear about now, but will be doing in five to ten years. Thanks for the data point(s)! I think I was wrong before, and I think I know why!