I could talk a lot about it. So what exactly do you want to know ? :-)
I have the same symptoms. But the worst for me is that it is so difficult to keep myself under control ( like you have said that things are happening just because of the depression) I also often have weird thoughts,some kind of hallucinations. Most people equate depression with sadness. But it isn't only sadness. I would rather say it feels like inner emptiness. Or like someone dismembers you into pieces. ( I don't really know how to describe this feeling).Sometimes I'm even beside myself with rage. Therefore I get the urge to scream and to destroy things ( normally I'm a very calm person). And sometimes it hurts so much that I can't feel affection or love. That's getting me really,really down. I don't want to be so cold.
I have finally realized that I can't bear it anymore. It keeps getting worse and all my attempts to do something against it have failed. Sometimes I'm able to distract myself but I can't "heal" it.
First of all I want to point out that this post sounds very convincing for me. :-) I have already thought about the same things. As my boyfriend said I fear to get dependent from drugs. I think it would be useful to specify this statement. Relying on a drug for my happiness is exactly what I mean.It would make me crazy to know that I need medication for feeling happy instead of carrying it off on my own. I'm also a little bit afraid of how antidepressants affect me.There is one aspect more that makes me insecure. How do you know if you are "really" happy or just because of the drugs? I know it shouldn't bother me but it does. I often reflect on psychological stuff and try to find out what makes me and other people happy.That's why it would frustrate me to know that there is no other solution than taking drugs for me. Your conclusion that you have realized you needed to be more worried about being depressed than you did about being reliant on drugs puts me into a contemplative mood. And I admit that you are right. You can't always go it alone...
Thanks, that sounds logical for me. And I don't mean that I can't learn to be happy without them. I already have found out some ways on my own to cope better.But I can't "heal" it completely.And I have also started a therapy now.It seems like my psychotherapist understands me but I'm not really sure whether he can help me or not. ( I was only once there and my second date will be next week)