squidious — LessWrong

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Feeling Old: Leaving your 20s in the 2020s

A younger friend recently asked why I (and many others my age) make so many comments about being old. After some thought, I realized a big part of this was related to experiencing specific meaningful life stages during the pandemic.

In 2019, I could (and often did) stay up late at parties, survive on very little sleep, and run on my own willpower alone. I didn't usually need to think too hard about any of this in terms of trade offs, and thus had the ability to be way more spontaneous about it all. If a friend invited me out, I could say yes that night, with no planning ahead, and have a... (read 220 more words →)

Replying toAnatomy of a Dating Document

squidious4y

Anatomy of a Dating Document

The only things that I know studies have shown to be predictors of how successful a relationship will be are:
- Similar IQ (not necessarily high or low, but similar to each other; can't remember the study specifically)
- Lack of Gottman's Four Horsemen: contempt, criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness (though this has largely been studied by Gottman himself because it's hard to get anyone else to study your theories in psych)

Honestly maybe I should have just listed the four horsemen and left it at that :P

Replying toAnatomy of a Dating Document

squidious4y

Anatomy of a Dating Document

It seems one of the issues coming up here is that I was assuming dating documents would be written out honestly and in good faith. In particular, I was assuming that those that aren't doing so won't be taking my advice anyway. I also recognize that there's a certain degree of self-knowledge I'm assuming, because largely these documents are written by people who have dated enough to know what they do and don't actually want. I didn't notice this when writing the document out, but I do now.

I also suspect that the lack of examples given makes it look like I'm endorsing preferences that I don't want to endorse, purely because I'm... (read more)

Replying toAnatomy of a Dating Document

squidious4y

Anatomy of a Dating Document

Threads are largely on Facebook, along with personal conversations. Most of these are with women seeking a nesting partner, and most of these documents are written by men seeking a nesting partner, so in this sense the group I got most of my data from is the target audience. I do think that a lot of this is more generalizable, at least within our community though; knowing whether or not your partner wants kids is useful regardless of gender and sexuality. I think part of what you're getting at is that it's ambiguous where each piece of advice is coming from, and you're definitely right about that -- I initially was compiling... (read 361 more words →)

Replying toAnatomy of a Dating Document

squidious4y

Anatomy of a Dating Document

I base what people tend to expect on the threads resulting from such documents, as well as a good amount of conversation that takes place in person. Similarly, what "should" be included is a mix of things I've noticed in existing documents, avoidable failure modes of relationships, and from my own conversations with people (largely women) in the community discussing what they're looking for in a partner in general. Given that these documents are written with the intent to be straightforward about what one does and doesn't want in seeking a long term partner, I'm assuming people would rather know if the person has attributes they highly value in a partner sooner... (read more)

Anatomy of a Dating Document

squidious

I’ve noticed a trend of writing out dating documents (or web pages, blog posts, etc) as a means of having everything you’d normally put on a dating profile in one place. There’s a particular way many of these are written, such that they’re more straightforward and practical about dating than online dating profiles and apps tend to be. It honestly reminds me a little of how arranged marriage works nowadays in India. In an effort to better understand what it is people tend to expect of these documents (and throw in some of my own thoughts), I decided to read through every dating document I could find (mostly through reciprocity and Bountied... (read 1197 more words →)

Therapy vs emotional support

squidious

There's a misconception that therapy is like paying someone to be your friend. While most therapists would disagree with that statement, there is a kernel of truth; therapy can often focus on emotional support, and getting those needs met. I sometimes joke that when friends need help, we suggest they see a therapist, yet in therapy, clients are asked to vent to their friends. This may sound like the person is being tossed back and forth, but there are two things at play here. The first is that many people rely on a few friends for more support than they can handle (hence being referred to a therapist), while others see a

... (read 1194 more words →)

Replying toWhat I've Learned From My Parents' Arranged Marriage

squidious7y

What I've Learned From My Parents' Arranged Marriage

So glad this could give you hope! :)

What I've Learned From My Parents' Arranged Marriage

squidious

When I tell people my parents had an arranged marriage, I get a number of different reactions. Most people have the wrong idea of exactly what that looks like, and those who do have the right idea often wonder if my parents can even understand what dating is like, given they've never experienced it. I've heard people assume that my parents' arranged marriage meant they were completely unable to help or give advice when it came to my dating life, and I've found the opposite to be the case; the advice my parents gave me about dating was as valuable as anything I found anywhere else, and allowed me to pass that

... (read 1335 more words →)

100

Reframing a Crush: Distilling the "like" out of "like like"

squidious

When I was a kid, I was moved by the idea that love was a powerful force. In the media, people did ridiculous things in the name of love; worse still when love was unrequited. I was terrified of feeling completely and helplessly vulnerable for someone who could not or would not reciprocate. It not only felt like a loss of power, but also a waste of emotional energy that could just as easily be spent on someone who reciprocates.

I decided that I would never let myself develop feelings for someone who was unable to return them. This first showed up as an inability to develop a crush on someone who was

... (read 675 more words →)

Replying toA Step-by-step Guide to Finding a (Good!) Therapist

squidious8y

A Step-by-step Guide to Finding a (Good!) Therapist

Oh yeah, thanks for linking that! Looking over it now, I got some of my ideas from this post when I read it quite a few years ago, and forgot to link it in my main post.

Replying toA Step-by-step Guide to Finding a (Good!) Therapist

squidious8y

A Step-by-step Guide to Finding a (Good!) Therapist

Yeah, it should be noted that anyone who knows me cannot be my client, though I can take on friends of friends as clients. Regarding Reflect specifically, you can select how many matches they give you and/or contact Reflect directly if you are matched with people you know, to help mitigate this issue.

A Step-by-step Guide to Finding a (Good!) Therapist

squidious

The process of finding a good therapist is unlike the process of finding most professionals. If your dentist nags you to floss more every time you see them, it's annoying, but unlikely to really affect the quality of their work. In therapeutic work, however, most of the work comes from the bond between therapist and client. If you find yourself worried about your therapist judging you or don't trust them to bring up important parts of your life, you won't be able to get the most out of therapy. Of course, this can make the process of starting therapy intimidating! It is very important to know that you can always talk to... (read 2605 more words →)

Replying toSocietal Growth Requires Rehabilitation

squidious8y

Societal Growth Requires Rehabilitation

Huh, this is very different from the experience of myself and those who I have spoken to about this when writing this post. Is this something you or anyone else has written about?

Societal Growth Requires Rehabilitation

squidious

Disclaimer: My intent is not to criticize growth mindset as initially intended, but to criticize the version of straw growth mindset that has become a rationalist meme, particularly by pointing out its relation to some of the problems we have on the community level.

"Growth mindset" ranges from a sort of rallying cry to a "that's what she said" sort of joke, depending on what crowd you run with, but underneath all of this is an attitude that we can get better. We use the phrase to lift ourselves up, to tell ourselves that no matter what our current problems, we can grow and become stronger. We treat technology similarly; someday, our cars

... (read 414 more words →)

Replying toOn Gender and Emotional Support

squidious8y

On Gender and Emotional Support

This was initially written in the context of my therapeutic practice, so alas, I cannot provide a link. I appreciate your thoughtful response! Glad it was helpful

On Gender and Emotional Support

squidious

Note: I wrote this outside the context of this community, but I think it's relevant enough to crosspost here.

Some of the first questions many therapists ask a client are those meant to assess their friendships and other close relationships. This is because having a supportive community is one of the biggest strengths in those facing mental health problems. Whether it's Generalized Anxiety Disorder or grief over a breakup, having people you can lean on for emotional support can help a lot.

Women are more likely to have such social supports than men. Part of this is due to traditional gender roles and expectations. Emotional vulnerability is considered feminine, and thus more acceptable for... (read 1237 more words →)

Categorizing Love: How having more words for love might make it less scary

squidious

When discussing the idea of loving more than just our spouses and families, the phrase "love thy neighbor" often comes to mind. A quote I tend to prefer was said by Thomas Aquinas: "The person who truly understands love could love anyone". He believed that true love was unspecific, and open to all humanity. When we speak of falling in love with someone, we tend to talk of the person as if they're flawless (as one does in the honeymoon period of a relationship). Aquinas instead preferred a less romantic, more modern view of love: where you love someone, flaws and all.

That's not to say you have to love strangers equally to

... (read 651 more words →)

Bounds of Attention

squidious

I once worked in a special needs class that consisted mostly of kids with Downs Syndrome and Autism Spectrum disorder. There were many patterns I noticed that ran through both groups, but at the end of the free period when we had to draw the students' attention back to classwork, one difference became clear: their attention spans.

Kids on the Autism Spectrum would drop what they were doing as soon as they were told that it was time for lecture. To these kids, making sure everything scheduled happened on time was important; if something came up and they had to skip math, they would be distressed -- even if they didn't really like... (read 541 more words →)

Replying toActive vs Passive Distraction

squidious8y

Active vs Passive Distraction

Sometimes it depends on a person's mood, and sometimes it depends on the person or the specifics around the activity. There are movies and shows I would only watch if I wanted to zone out, but a mystery or thriller isn't one of them, and it would be hard to get totally engrossed in something I'd seen a few times because I know what's happening next. But for music, it's been long enough since I'd played that I wouldn't be able to use that as a passive distraction -- even for a relatively simple piece.