LESSWRONG
LW

All of sablebrush's Comments + Replies

A Practical Theory of Memory Reconsolidation
sablebrush*40

Great I will keep a lookout for such people.

As for your second question:

1) I am open to receiving love, but it needs to be from someone who has self-respect. I can't abide codependent love because again it just feels like I'm up on a pedestal or being controlled or being used to fill a hole in their lives.

2) I imagine love to be a very physical act, lots of physical affection. That and some verbal expressions, such as encouragement. However, when I think of someone doing favours for me or buying me gifts, I do feel resistance to that, I feel a ... (read more)

Reply
A Practical Theory of Memory Reconsolidation
sablebrush20

I feel that my entire life since I was 5 (when my survival mechanisms began) my entire personality is based around getting admiration. And now I get tons and tons of it, I have so many ways to get admiration, I have honed many talents and my intellect and worldviews that impress people. But the thing is, I hate it. And yet I still get it, automatically, because my entire subconscious behavioural pattern is around getting it - even when consciously, I'm sick of it and no longer want it.

All I actually want is love. I want nurturance and to be held. But... (read more)

Reply
3eigen
I'm always surprised by how people construct their idea of identity; I worry that it may be putting obstacles on what you want to achieve. Relationships are forming and breaking all the time; you are bound to find someone who will love you if you are looking for it and nothing stands in your way, that's a fact of modern life and evidence is overwhelming. I do think, that coming here is the right step to make, it has certainly helped me. Welcome.
cousin_it*150

Welcome to LW! I haven't been in your situation, but it feels like I could have been, if things turned out a bit differently. So take this for what it's worth.

I think a lot of it comes down to the way you talk and recount your feelings to others. It can feel either "spiky" or "rounded", like the kiki/bouba effect. For example, when you say you want to secure love and affection, that's you being honest, and also "spiky". These are not the same thing! There's a whole art form of expressing your feelings, even going to some very dark places, while still comin... (read more)

Reply
A Practical Theory of Memory Reconsolidation
sablebrush20

" There's a whole art form of expressing your feelings, even going to some very dark places, while still coming across as "rounded". "

Umm this is actually amazing. How did you figure this out and can you elaborate?

Reply
5Kaj_Sotala
Do you know any person in your life (not necessarily a close one, just someone who you've met at least occasionally) who feels like they express warmth and honesty at the same time? If you do, looking at how they express themselves is one way of getting pointers. It might also be worth checking whether your problem is just about not knowing what to do, versus your brain having an outright objection to getting what you want. If you can, try to imagine what it would feel like to get love and affection, in exactly the way you would like to have. Take a moment to imagine it in as much detail as you can. Then pay attention to how it feels - is there any trace of unease, of anything not feeling quite right about you having achieved it?