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CoffeeStain comments on "Stupid" questions thread - Less Wrong
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How do I get people to like me? It seems to me that this is a worthwhile goal; being likable increases the fun that both I and others have.
My issue is that likability usually means, "not being horribly self-centered." But I usually find I want people to like me more for self-centered reasons. It feels like a conundrum that just shouldn't be there if I weren't bitter about my isolation in the first place. But that's the issue.
This was a big realization for me personally:
If you are trying to get someone to like you, you should strive to maintain a friendly, positive interaction with that person in which he or she feels comfortable and happy on a moment-by-moment basis. You should not try to directly alter that person's opinion of you, in the sense that if you are operating on a principle of "I will show this person that I am smart, and he will like me", "I will show this person I am cool, and she will like me," or even "I will show this person that I am nice, and he will like me", you are pursuing a strategy that can be ineffective and possibly lead people to see you as self-centered. This might be what people say when they mean "be yourself" or "don't worry about what other people think of you".
Also, Succeed Socially is a good resource.
Also, getting certain people to like you is way, way, way, way harder than getting certain other people to like you. And in many situations you get to choose whom to interact with.
Do what your comparative advantage is.
Another tool to achieve likeability is to consistently project positive emotions and create the perception that you are happy and enjoying the interaction. The quickest way to make someone like you is to create the perception that you like them because they make you happy - this is of course much easier if you genuinely do enjoy social interactions.
It is very good advice to care about other people.
I'd like to add that I think it is common for the insecure to do this strategy in the wrong way. "Showing off" by is a failure mode, but "people pleaser' can be a failure mode as well - it's important that making others happy doesn't come off as a transaction in exchange for acceptance.
"Look how awesome I am and accept me" vs "Please accept me, I'll make you happy" vs "I accept you, you make me happy".
Thank you, so very much.
I often forget that there are different ways to optimize, and the method that feels like it offers the most control is often the worst. And the one I usually take, unfortunately.
This sounds immensely plausible. But it immediately prompts the more specific question: how on earth do you make people feel comfortable and happy on a moment-by-moment basis around you?
Especially if you're an introvert who lives in his own head rather a lot. Maybe the right question (for some) is: how do you get people to like you if, in a way, you are self-centered? It pretty much seems to mean that you're screwed.
This looks to me like a bunch of reasonable questions.
I had written the comment before reading on and then retracted it because the how-question is discussed below.
In actuality,a lot of people can like you a lot even if you are not selfless. It is not so much that you need to ignore what makes you happy, as much as it is that you need to pay attention and energy to what makes other people happy. A trivial if sordid example is you don't get someone wanting to have sex with you by telling them how attractive you are, you will do better by telling them, and making it obvious that, you find them attractive. That you will take pleasure in their increased attentions to you is not held against you because it means you are not selfless not at all. Your need or desire for them is the attractor to them.
So don't abnegate, ignore, deny, your own needs. But run an internal model where other people's needs are primary to suggest actions you can take that will serve them and glue them to you.
Horribly self-centered isn't a statement that you elevate your own needs too high. It is that you are too ignorant and unreactive to other people's needs.
I second what gothgirl said; but in case you were looking for more concrete advice:
At least, that's what worked for me when I was younger. Especially 1 actually, I think it helped with 3.
You can be self-centered and not act that way. If you even pretend to care about most people's lives they will care more about yours.
If you want to do this without being crazy bored and feeling terrible, I recommend figuring out conversation topics of other people's lives that you actually enjoy listening people talk about, and also working on being friends with people who do interesting things. In a college town, asking someone their major is quite often going to be enjoyable for them and if you're interested and have some knowledge of a wide variety of fields you can easily find out interesting things.
The standard reference for this is "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. I have not read it myself.
Much of it boils down to gothgirl420666's advice, except with more technical help on how. (I think the book is well worth reading, but it basically outlines "these are places where you can expend effort to make other people happier.")
One of the tips from Carnegie that gothgirl420666 doesn't mention is using people names.
Learn them and use them a lot in coversation. Great them with their name.
Say thing like: "I agree with you, John." or "There I disagree with you, John."
This is a piece of advice that most people disagree with, and so I am reluctant to endorse it. Knowing people's names is important, and it's useful to use them when appropriate, but inserting them into conversations where they do not belong is a known influence technique that will make other people cautious.
(While we're on the subject of recommendations I disagree with, Carnegie recommends recording people's birthdays, and sending them a note or a call. This used to be a lot more impressive before systems to automatically do that existed, and in an age of Facebook I don't think it's worth putting effort into. Those are the only two from the book that I remember thinking were unwise.)
Be judicious, and name drop with one level of indirection. "That's sort of what like John was saying earlier I believe yada yada."
It probably depends on the context. If you in a context like a sales conversation people might get cautious. In other context you might like a person trying to be nice to you.
But you are right that there the issue of artificialness. It can be strange if things don't flow naturally. I think that's more a matter of how you do it rather than how much or when.
At the beginning, just starting to greet people with their name can be a step forward. I think in most cultures that's an appropriate thing to do, even if not everyone does it.
I would also add that I'm from Germany, so my cultural background is a bit different than the American one.
This is how to sound like a smarmy salesperson who's read Dale Carnegie.