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gothgirl420666 comments on "Stupid" questions thread - Less Wrong
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This was a big realization for me personally:
If you are trying to get someone to like you, you should strive to maintain a friendly, positive interaction with that person in which he or she feels comfortable and happy on a moment-by-moment basis. You should not try to directly alter that person's opinion of you, in the sense that if you are operating on a principle of "I will show this person that I am smart, and he will like me", "I will show this person I am cool, and she will like me," or even "I will show this person that I am nice, and he will like me", you are pursuing a strategy that can be ineffective and possibly lead people to see you as self-centered. This might be what people say when they mean "be yourself" or "don't worry about what other people think of you".
Also, Succeed Socially is a good resource.
Also, getting certain people to like you is way, way, way, way harder than getting certain other people to like you. And in many situations you get to choose whom to interact with.
Do what your comparative advantage is.
Another tool to achieve likeability is to consistently project positive emotions and create the perception that you are happy and enjoying the interaction. The quickest way to make someone like you is to create the perception that you like them because they make you happy - this is of course much easier if you genuinely do enjoy social interactions.
It is very good advice to care about other people.
I'd like to add that I think it is common for the insecure to do this strategy in the wrong way. "Showing off" by is a failure mode, but "people pleaser' can be a failure mode as well - it's important that making others happy doesn't come off as a transaction in exchange for acceptance.
"Look how awesome I am and accept me" vs "Please accept me, I'll make you happy" vs "I accept you, you make me happy".
Thank you, so very much.
I often forget that there are different ways to optimize, and the method that feels like it offers the most control is often the worst. And the one I usually take, unfortunately.
This sounds immensely plausible. But it immediately prompts the more specific question: how on earth do you make people feel comfortable and happy on a moment-by-moment basis around you?
Especially if you're an introvert who lives in his own head rather a lot. Maybe the right question (for some) is: how do you get people to like you if, in a way, you are self-centered? It pretty much seems to mean that you're screwed.
This looks to me like a bunch of reasonable questions.
I had written the comment before reading on and then retracted it because the how-question is discussed below.