And how surprisingly untraumatizing it apparently is when mom feigns amnesia.

I’m going to be honest here and say I just did the mental equivalent of a fist pump when my 5 year old responded to a prompt to pick any book in the book store with … The Handbook for Superheroes.

Part 9.

We are definitely starting at part 9.

For reasons. Perfectly legible reasons. That my 5 year old will one day explain to me, I’m sure.

Either way, we found ourselves in dire need of superhero-themed bedtime rules.

All I can say, dear reader, is… Please do try this at home.

And I don’t mean the destructive powers. I’m as much a fan of explosions and power fantasies as the next child person. But no one sleeps well two minutes after slugging fireballs across the bed, teleporting across the room, and dodging ice spikes.

It was fun though.

Instead, consider introducing temporal manipulation and telekinesis to a 5 year old.

Rewind

As you might know by now, most of these rule sets I just riff on the spot. So as ever, I had no idea where this was going. My kid wanted more super powers, and the night before we waged war between the great powers of Fire and Ice. What could possible top that?

So I paced the bedroom and suggested… Time rewind powers!

God this felt too vague and long-shotty when I said it.

But it was marvelous!

The rule was that kiddo earns one charge of her Rewind power for every step of the bedtime routine. Then she can yell ‘Rewind’ and I go through my movements backward from that moment onward for roughly 5 seconds (including sound effects and garbled speech).

Now the kicker: I lose my memories from the period that was rewound.

I wasn’t sure how this was going to be fun for her, but my kid was up for it.

First she did a number of innocuous rewinds while getting changed into her pajamas. Each time I would restart what I had said before, apparently oblivious to the stolen seconds. We steadily made progress and once she started brushing her teeth, I decided I needed to clip my finger nails.

She had me rewind the same period of cutting my nails each time while she was brushing teeth. I kept being amazed that my nails were cut while I had just noticed they were long and I needed to cut them!

But then….

She found an infinite loop and exploited the hell out of the game.

Basically she stumbled on a 5 second segment in the bedtime routine that she could infinitely farm for charges as she rewound me back across it each time.

It started with her getting up off the toilet, washing her hands, and walking to my room. Then she yelled Rewind, and I walked backward to the bathroom and sat back down, and she would run after me, and quickly get back on the toilet. Then I’d ask her again if she was ready to go, she would say yes, and run back to my room and yell Rewind again… We did this at least 5 times and she was dying of laughter, sitting on the toilet again and trying to make innocent faces while I asked her if we were ready to go to bed… By the 5+ time I feigned an illness from the amnesia and said I had lost all my memories and asked her who she was. I was afraid for a second that this would be too scary for her but she was thrilled… so I treated her as this strange, sweet child that insisted she was my daughter. She told me her name. She told me she had a sister, also my daughter. She explained we live in this house, and that I’ve never lost my memories before.

It was delightful.

As she led my demented self back to the bedroom, I nodded along, happy with my kind guide. Then I faceplanted on the bed and she forewent her Rewind and agreed to take care of me till my memory returned.

I think this was the best game yet. She was talking about it for days.

Telekinesis

Again, the concept was that kiddo receives one charge for each step of the bedtime routine. Then she could use the charge by pointing at any object. I would pick up the object and play out the telekinesis by airlifting it as directed. Kiddo could use specific hand gestures for pulling things toward her, shooting them away, or just flying them through the air. I also did sound effects and exaggerated physics effects on myself and the object.

I wasn’t sure this would be fun for her cause what’s the game, right?

But she got something like 5-10 charges and basically explored the entire concept:

1. Redo the example object (my gym lock).
2. An arbitrarily highly placed box she has never been able to access.
3. Me. She pulled me in for a hug and was so chuffed with herself.
4. The sunscreen. Which I had to tell her not to apply once she got it.
5. My right shoe. This amused her intensely.
6. My water bottle. She then drank from it.
7. My juggling balls. Which she proceeded to throw and then telekinesis-cleaned up.

Moving to the bathroom:

1. Her tooth brush and tooth paste so she didn’t have to get up.
2. Putting them back again.
3. [Endless laughter about trying to get me to stick my hand in the toilet bowl - She did not succeed.]
4. Opening the shower door and sitting down on the little stool there that she can’t normally access. I playfully mimed turning on the shower for her (she was in her pajamas) which excited, delighted, and terrified her.
5. An attempt at bargaining a Telekinesis for a Rewind charge. I declined and then theatrically played out that I now have all my memories back and I know what she did to me the night before! She proceeded to giggle endlessly and forgot about her last charge.

Then we read more of her new super hero book.

And ordered Part 1.