This is the public group instrumental rationality diary for July 16-31.
It's a place to record and chat about it if you have done, or are actively doing, things like:
- Established a useful new habit
- Obtained new evidence that made you change your mind about some belief
- Decided to behave in a different way in some set of situations
- Optimized some part of a common routine or cached behavior
- Consciously changed your emotions or affect with respect to something
- Consciously pursued new valuable information about something that could make a big difference in your life
- Learned something new about your beliefs, behavior, or life that surprised you
- Tried doing any of the above and failed
Or anything else interesting which you want to share, so that other people can think about it, and perhaps be inspired to take action themselves. Try to include enough details so that everyone can use each other's experiences to learn about what tends to work out, and what doesn't tend to work out.
Thanks to cata for starting the Group Rationality Diary posts, and to commenters for participating!
Immediate past diary: July 1-15
Next diary: August 1-15
Realized I liked BDSM for the wrong reasons.
After some hard introspection,I confessed to myself that I didn't find BDSM sexually arousing. The main appeal was that, compared to a vanilla partner, a submissive partner would be more likely to let me have my way in disagreements (and this would be ok since they would enjoy yielding) and less likely to betray my trust. I'm not a dom, I'm just selfish and mistrusting. Taking the outside view, I concluded that if I were to be in a BDSM relationship, there's a significant risk of me becoming an abuser. Power corrupts and whatnot.
So now I'm distancing myself from BDSM.
This is, imo, some pretty high-quality introspection; congrats. For what it's worth, I feel like the conflation you describe between abuse and consensual play is not uncommon in the BDSM scene. In other words, I suspect a nonnegligable proportion of doms are in it for the reasons you describe, but don't have the introspective rigour to call themselves on it.