[My comments are less refined than the main post, so take ‘em with a little extra skepticism. All the same, I think this might help.]
Sometimes people don’t want to talk, and that’s ok. But if the conversation turns into an interview when they do want to talk, a few different things could be happening.
- Some people rely too much on using closed questions. Using open questions instead can open up the conversation.
- Some people rely too much on asking questions in general. There are other types of things that we can say as the listener which may be worth using more of. Reflection of feelings (“It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed”) and reflection of meaning (“I’m hearing that this job really mattered to you”) can be surprisingly good, for instance.
- In general, the more attuned we are to the core meaning of what the other person is saying, beyond the surface facts, the less likely that the conversation will feel surface-level or like an interview.
That's a big question. Some notes on what worked for me:
- The thing that has helped me the most was finding a volunteer role that involves empathic listening. It gave me a lot of chances to practice. Plus, because it was a new & separate space from the rest of my life, I was more flexible to intentionally choose the habits I wanted to cultivate there before old habits got locked in. I believe doing something like that would help a lot, though it is a relatively time/effort intensive thing to do.
- If you don't have the time for something like a volunteer role, then there are other ways to practice. Having... (read more)
[Crossposted from my blog]
There’s no shortage of pain, tragedy and loss in the world. And if you’re anything like me, you don’t always know how to be helpful when a loved one is going through the worst of it.
Over the past few years, I’ve been trying to get better at that.
I’ve read a couple dozen therapy textbooks, I’ve done four hundred or so hours of client-centered counselling, and I’ve been in a handful of other official and unofficial helping roles. By no means am I an expert, but I sure know more than I used to.
For my first blog post, I wanted to write something that past-me might have found helpful when... (read 1403 more words →)
Ah, that's what trust is to me! That resonates strongly. I hadn't properly thought through the concept before.
The big question floating around my mind is - to what extent should I let *this* kind of trust (or lack of trust) determine who I'm close to?