Why was it just assumed that "emotional blocks" are bad though? I would expect this to be more effective if you were... more inclined to unpack that assumption and explain it.
But of course, if you unpack the assumption, it might turn out that it was wrong.
Here are some bad things that often happen to people who over-connect: They become tribalized. They come to feel that they need the approval of an incoherent set of philosophies. They develop a news addiction, as well as substance addictions. They have difficulty sustaining interest in specialties and devoting themselves to original work, they find it lonely and they can't separate their own sense of what is important from the already exhausted common sense of what is important. They're unable to condemn mundane evils. They file down any of their burs and eccentricities that would make it challenging for another person to face them and to see into them.
You think you can overconnect without these sorts of things happening to you, but if that's true, I'm not sure what kind of connection you're even engaging in. Most of these things seem to me a fairly direct effect of love, of those systems that cultivate trust by verifiably tearing down protective psychosocial barriers.
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1Why was it just assumed that "emotional blocks" are bad though
Sorry, where in the post did I imply this? I tried to emphasize how they're locally optimal
I think people will generally assume that when you're doing a thing, that you think the thing is usually good to do, unless you say otherwise. Especially if it's the premise of a party.
all I needed to do was help everyone safely untangle their blocks
The assumption that you could do this implies that you thought the blocks were usually unwarranted. I doubt this. I think in most cases you didn't understand why the fence was there before tearing through it.
So, again, you did guess that you'd be able to do that for everyone, and I disagree with that.
I think most of the people who have difficulty making eye contact and want to overcome themselves on it are not in a good place to judge whether they should.
1So all I needed to do was help everyone safely untangle their blocks ;)
bring those parts into dialogue with their blocks/resistance to eye contact, and watch what happens.
So, in a way, his avoiding eye contact was completely rational. (Or rather: locally optimal.) If he had crudely forced himself to make eye contact, it’s quite possible that he could’ve actually gotten hurt.
Next I asked him, “How would you like to manage those risks?”
I'm aware that you have a nuanced perspective on this which is part of the reason I'm raising this.
Why do you feel so strongly about using so much eye contact in normal conversations? I sometimes make eye contact and sometimes don't and that seems fine.
I agree with your sentiment that being very uncomfortable with eye contact is probably an indication of some other psychological thing you could work on, but it sounds like you maybe feel more strongly about it than that.
For fun, I wanted to run a “Make 100% eye contact or get sent to jail” party. But I did not want it to be exposure therapy. That wouldn’t help the most nervous people. They may look like they’re making eye contact, but they would've actually become numb and kinda dead.
Instead, I wanted everyone to be fully present and comfortable making unwavering eye contact. But how?
Consider this: Eye contact is effortless when you’re not emotionally blocked. Everyone who wants to make more eye contact but can’t is held back by emotional blocks, most likely.
So all I needed to do was help everyone safely untangle their blocks ;)
It started with a small experiment
Here’s how I remember improvising the first activity:
My strategy was to have each person notice the parts of them that liked eye contact, bring those parts into dialogue with their blocks/resistance to eye contact, and watch what happens.
For some attendees, this one activity was enough:
After a few similar activities, most attendees had achieved comfort.
But a few needed individual help
For example, there was this one guy who was still having trouble. So I instructed him 1-on-1 using not-dissimilar methods. At some point, I asked him what his resistance said, and to his own surprise, it said I’m afraid of heartbreak.
So it seemed like, in his mind, sometimes when you make eye contact with others, you fall in love with them… and sometimes that’s followed by heartbreak. (Which he would like to avoid.)
So, in a way, his avoiding eye contact was completely rational. (Or rather: locally optimal.) If he had crudely forced himself to make eye contact, it’s quite possible that he could’ve actually gotten hurt.
Next I asked him, “How would you like to manage those risks?”
He thought about it for a moment, said something about making eye contact with a different mindset. It seemed reasonable to me so I didn’t question it.
My final instruction: “How does what you want to be doing/feeling feel in your body? … Allow that feeling as much as you can.”
He had no trouble making infinite eye contact after that.
Facilitating rapid growth
Part of my motivation for running this event was to practice facilitating rapid personal growth for a whole group of people at the same time.
Usually, I only do this one-on-one. For example, the techniques I led the group through were very similar to the techniques I led this man who claims to have resolved his lifelong anxiety after talking to me once through. (Yes, wack, I know.)
Within an hour, all fifteen attendees were enjoying present, continuous eye contact.
We stress-tested this with one-on-one conversational eye contact, silent eye contact, group conversational eye contact, and everything else we could think of… and went undefeated.
Everyone clapped!
What attendees said
The 100% eye contact party
The party needed an eye contact enforcement mechanism. (Without one, attendees would forget about the eye contact and it would devolve into — god forbid— a normal SF party.)
So I designed a dictatorless dystopia:
Now all I had to do was craft a catchy thumbnail:
and title:
and invite people.
40 showed
I began the event by facilitating activities like those from before. It was definitely harder with more than twice as many pairs of eyes, but for the most part, it worked.
For the people who needed extra help, I offered 1-on-1 assistance.
What it looked like [videos]
[Lesswrong doesn't allow video embeds, but you can see a the clips on my blog here.]
(Group eye contact was so goofy!)
What attendees said
The design made it easier to access a range from flirty and fun to deep and serious. The event was higher intensity by default.
It was super super intense. I remember desperately wanting it to be over, but it was still a lot of fun. My first 1-on-1 conversation was very fun and lasted over an hour.
The jail was a hilarious idea and added excellent vibes.
Eye contact was kinda hard and I went to jail a lot… but I had a lot of good conversations, and the party felt very intimate.
I liked experimenting with eye contact from different heights. I made eye contact while looking down for almost the first time and felt stronger.
I felt very connected to everyone afterwards and felt very open, present and happy.
Overall, I think it really worked! I'm excited to run more events like this.